Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was teaching my two year-old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML
Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML
Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML
Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML
Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
enonymous 9
You're lucky she didn't charge you for that meal. sautéed baby earwax is usually served with a hot caramelized snot ball and a side of full half baked diaper.
denvan 0
Get those earwax cooking lessons started
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (95)
allstar5464 0
just stop cooking not and avoid the humiliation
jaderosaley 0
haha BURN!!!
mymelin 5
When you say in front of my whole family… My family and I tell eachother anything.. Plus, it's good to receive feedback from the ones who r honest/
jayaysee 0
This is why 3 year olds shouldn't have nail polish
Dallasluver19 14
Mmm! My favorite! Gross, sticky earwax with a touch of boogers!
bungholemcgee 11
make better dinner
worldclassrager 41
Why did I continue reading this during lunch? Thank you random
sparxva 12
This is one of those rare few that I have to vote both "your life sucks" because your daughter outed your terrible cooking and "you deserved it" because you need to put a bit more effort into your cooking. And her life really sucks because she has to eat the cooking. Poor little girl, eating earwax to get the taste out of her mouth.