Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

Self report

Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML