Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
Today, during the night, we thought we had an intruder, but it was my girlfriend who grabbed a hammer and went downstairs to check. After it turned out to be the damn cat, I asked her why she made me stay upstairs. Apparently because she’s seen me fight in the past, she felt much safer doing it herself. FML
Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML
Today, I went to sneakily grab a snack without waking up my roommate. I was being extra quiet, tiptoeing like a ninja. I opened the fridge door slowly, but managed to knock over a stack of Tupperware boxes. The crash was so loud it could’ve woken the dead. My roommate appeared in the doorway, not amused. FML
Today, I experienced the fright of a lifetime when I woke up and heard my bedroom door opening. Fearing that there was an intruder, I picked up a bat and opened the door, ready to whack the mystery intruder. There was no one there. No one, except my cat, who apparently knows how to open doors now. FML
Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.
The_creator_fml 2
So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?
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Comments (189)
Dojan 16
Why didn't she turn on the lights?
zandalee 20
Because they live in Pennsylvania silly!! Land of the vampire... Light hurts their eyes!
FMLsAreAwesome 0
Maybe she didn't want to wake OP up. (^o^)/
l0v3p4in 7
Why didn't OP turn on the lights as well rather than swinging a bat aimlessly in the dark?
Dojan 16
14 - The noises that she was making was coming from downstairs. I suppose that the light switch could be really loud or something, but she would have seen better (and so would he) should either of them have turned on the lights. Aren't vampires from Transylvania and not Pennsylvania though? I think that's where Kresnik and Kudlak originated.
LolFMLnot 10
That is so funny one day you guys will remember this and laugh your ass off.
Cad6 24
Is anybody even concerned about the girlfriend? I mean seriously, she got hit by a ******* BAT. Instead you all drool over the origins of vampires.
SmoshFan6 0
Swing batter batter swing batter!
_Oblivion_ 12
Oh **** I messed up *hear. *braces for stampede of cyber ******
Fml_FTW228 10
38- Where did it say she got hit? It just says that he found out after a swing. So maybe he hit something else, or even nothing, and she saw or heard it and then said something and that is how he found out.
twifan1901 0
47 more like swing better batter!
The_Terminator 2
Forget that why didnt he turn on the lights
porp1 4
But then, who did he say to stay quiet to? ...[girlfriend's name], get in the car, we need to get out of here...
idntwannaknow 3
-35 Or break up.
annihil8or 15
Didn't want to get caught with the munchies obviously
HollyDolly660 8
I think she obviously got hit by the bat, or this wouldn't really be an FML... Durr.
Cad6 24
#89 - Then it wouldn't be an FML.
TheBonzaiGirl 0
Did you miss the part where it said she had night vision goggles on? ;)
Calyx_fml 22
Today was Earth Hour.
aaahhhfire21 0
I really hope u didn't crack her one
ScubaSteve96 0
Lol,"girlfriend be quiet... I said be quiet!! *hits with baseball bat*
blushy 14
can't you tell if your girlfriend is not next to you when you're whispering to her
cobaltss06 1
I feel like I know the OP lol
oldirtybasterdSE 0
Why didn't HE turn on the lights?
TheAznEagle 0
Remind me to never enter your house uninvited!!!
KeyboardWarrior 10
Well you shouldn't really be showing up at anyone's house uninvited... Especially someone you don't know...
eeppiicc 8
Don't show up at OP's house uninvited!
LightningCactus 12
Shit, they never taught me that in school..
nofearjenshere 12
I hate to turn up, out of the blue, uninvited... But I, couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...
yourmama94 1
Laughing hard right now...oh Adele...
aruam365 24
I'm concerned about OP's thinking and nerve function, there is a huge difference in feeling someone laying in bed with you and someone not laying in bed with you. A normal person would have felt the lack of another human body in the bed and inferred it might be the girlfriend making noise.
muurph 4
well, that would be a little but creepy.
hellbilly205 17
This reminds me of the family guy episode, when the robbers are in the house and peter hits meg in the head with the bat after the fact of her saying something already... Lol
ralik1029384756 0
Well, you have to remember, he literally JUST woke up when this happened and your body doesn't react quite as fast in that phase.
adamcichuttek 2
94 - he was probably mostly worried about stopping them than making sure she was in bed. I would assume she would be.
pinky78711 5
Agreed
alltimelow_heart 2
Smooth. XD
TheElderTROLLZ 15
What the hell are you talking about? Define "Smooth."
KingOfAmazing 9
I believe that he was using the slang term of the word smooth, as in "having suave characteristics." Of course, he had a sarcastic tone to his use of the word smooth. So, in all actuality, he is implying the exact opposite of the meaning of the slang definition. So, what was meant was that the OP was not, in fact, smooth. Just clarifying.
iBanana 17
I don't think when he said "Define smooth," that he meant it. I picked up a bit of his sarcasm... I guess you didn't.
KingOfAmazing 9
Excuse me if I'm wrong, but if he was using sarcasm, that was a very poor use of it. Although, you must know exactly what you are talking about. Judging by your astounding grammar skills, you are a highly educated English major. So next time, I should stop wasting my time and try to be more like you. That was an example of sarcasm used in the correct manner.
Perdition 4
My question is: how did he not notice that his girlfriend wasn't in bed? That would be my FIRST action.
TheDrifter 24
I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.
icrest80 4
Amazing word play right there^ well this one will definatly hurt his batting average
l23VIVE 17
It might have been a strike, but he still probably wouldnt get past 2nd even in that case
theamazingone_12 7
you sir are awesome
Fruitmonster2 15
Well, I guess you could say he struck out; on his sex life. ;D No? Okay, I'll be seeing myself out.
sm0kinBCBudz 0
5- you made my night right there holy **** bro
TheThree 0
Stop You don't sound "black," or gangster or, "swag." You sound like a try-hard wangster nerd (wangster = wannabe gangster)
airforce987 20
And you didn't turn a light on first? Idiot.
thenomad 7
If it was a legitimate robbery, turning the lights on would draw unnecessary attention. Bad idea if the robber is armed. Op should have realized his girlfriend was out of bed before searching for the source of the noise.
airforce987 20
I'm sorry, but I disagree. If it WAS a legitimate robbery, fighting the person in the dark would be highly disadvantageous as well as destructive, and the ability to see would be of greater help than the loss of surprise. Also, in cases like this, it makes sure you don't accidentally assault your housemates.
airforce987 20
Also, real robbers generally use flashlights, rather than trying to rummage around for valuables in the dark, using their hands to feel every object they come across at the pace of a snail. OP should have thought before he acted, but I don't blame him. Instincts take over, and I would have probably done the same, except, I would have turned the light on first.
iBanana 17
Has ANYONE stopped to think that the 'girlfriend' in the bed is the robber...?
thenomad 7
67- that's what my weapon light is for... Personally.
ittsdann 6
I'd be more concerned with who was in his bed that he told to be quiet.
MissHayleyJames 7
You shouldn't turn the lights on or the robber can see you too. What you do is blind them with an extremely bright flashlight and as they're squinting and trying to figure it all out, unload a few rounds into them until they stop moving. Then call the cops and let them handle it from there. Robbery Defense 101.
downtime 13
67, If they live in a city its never completely dark. As such, nothing you've said makes sense.
Kiernan151 25
I live in a city and my house gets pitch dark, like I can't even see with the lights off, I've just memorized the layout of my house. @187
cheesecakex 5
Just say she walked into your bat 'by mistake'...
CryMoreFMLs 15
She must walk at the exact same speed a bat does when it's being swung in the air. She should try out for olympic walking.
ladyLALAA 29
Very awkward to explain, so I accidentally hit my girlfriend in the face with a bat...
yahoowizard 16
Add in that it was as she left the kitchen then watch as the magic unfolds
Miss_Attitude96 24
Way to go, I guess you were sleeping on the couch the rest of the night.
bubbaboyxxx 0
*rest of his life
bizarre_ftw 22
It's his house! (^you can tell by his reaction)
MrFuzzles 5
Good thing you're not a gun owner.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Or a sword collector lol
dethbunny 0
Or a ninja! ... No? Ok, I'll go hide in A corner
l23VIVE 17
Or a javelin thrower
l23VIVE 17
Or a Tiger breeder
muurph 4
Or single
KingOfAmazing 9
He possibly could be now.
bvxf 2
C-c-c-combo breaker
bizarre_ftw 22
Either that or a murderer
The_creator_fml 2
So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?
HentaiBunny 4
Yes!! This joke finally makes sense. I love it!!
hopechancey 4
I will never look at that song the same way again...
TheElderTROLLZ 15
88 - Why not?
Dusty_Busters 15
Haha good one
monique8axel 6
She listened about staying quiet
silvercamaro 22
Not for long
eruditecognition 10
i shouldn't say so but this was hilarious
muurph 4
Obviously. She was probably knocked out.