Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
Today, during the night, we thought we had an intruder, but it was my girlfriend who grabbed a hammer and went downstairs to check. After it turned out to be the damn cat, I asked her why she made me stay upstairs. Apparently because she’s seen me fight in the past, she felt much safer doing it herself. FML
Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML
Today, I went to sneakily grab a snack without waking up my roommate. I was being extra quiet, tiptoeing like a ninja. I opened the fridge door slowly, but managed to knock over a stack of Tupperware boxes. The crash was so loud it could’ve woken the dead. My roommate appeared in the doorway, not amused. FML
Today, I experienced the fright of a lifetime when I woke up and heard my bedroom door opening. Fearing that there was an intruder, I picked up a bat and opened the door, ready to whack the mystery intruder. There was no one there. No one, except my cat, who apparently knows how to open doors now. FML
Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.
The_creator_fml 2
So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?
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Comments (189)
periadoc 2
Lucky it wasn't a fun
TheBonzaiGirl 0
You took the words right from my mouth!
stopsignman 0
the jury isn't gonna buy this story at all...
sillydumpling 0
Who were you whispering to then?
EG14_fml 8
Casper...
linkinpark98 24
Did you whack her in the face? o_o
NYCBOII123 7
So u didn't notice that your girlfriend wasn't in your bed?
CallMeMcFeelii 14
Congrats, you found the hidden meaning within the story! Now on to the next clue.
StanSmith_fml 9
Thats why I have a shotgun under my pillow. Like every American should.
hilary56 0
If he had a shotgun things would've been worse, he would've 'shot' his girlfriend!! :p
StanSmith_fml 9
Yes. That was my point.
DocBastard 40
Oh goody. Another stupid character account. Oh, the fun we all shall have.
perdix 31
You could have blamed auto-correct and everyone would have bought it. I had to bitch-slap my iPhone a few times to accept that "sammich" is a word.
hilary56 0
Damn I feel bad for your girlfriend, that poor girl got hit by a frkn bat....and OP, I know you wanted to play 'hero', but It didn't work this time.
laden_swallow09 35
"Hero"? No. Every American is entitled to protecting one's home from intruders and even the police (given the proper procedures are followed concerning officers) When you have only seconds to live or turn away a hoodlum, the police are only minutes away.
sportsmaniak13 3
boner
ElricMustang 23
He said he whispered to her. Wouldn't he make sure she was there, too?