Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML
Wailing
Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Caught
Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML
Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML
Scream
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Goodbye Rémy…
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
Top comments
lex1459 38
Honestly, I don't see a better solution than the one your boyfriend found.
theKevmeister 13
You're lucky he didn't try to burn down the house...
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Comments (78)
theKevmeister 13
You're lucky he didn't try to burn down the house...
Mauskau 36
All the more reason to hide and call for help :P
theKevmeister 13
Not if the house is on fire
TrippingOnAcid 29
These stories seem utterly ridiculous to people in Britain. Practically nobody here owns guns, and there's a damn good reason for that.
LifeMD 14
Yeah, well stories likes this is ridiculous to people in the US too.
LifeMD 14
*like this are
leogachi 15
The reason the U.S. government can't ban weapons is that if the citizens ever need to overthrow them we're better equipped for it. Op's boyfriend, on the other hand, can and should be arrested for firing a weapon in a residential area without cause.
tasmala 2
Lol, a bunch of guys with pistols and rifles better equipped than the whole United States military? Hahaha, keep dreamin' son.
prince_jimmy907 12
haha i was about to say that #28, we'd be gonners within minutes if we took up a shotgun against the might of the military. its rather ridiculous really. peashooters against drones. they dont even have to see us in person to kill us
Dreamsorrow93 24
We may be gone in moments, but at least we would die fighting for what we believe in.
NNOTCHO 23
Ever see FPSRussia? He's an American who pretends to be Russian but his whole YouTube channel is based around guns and he has some pretty big guns. And in America if you have the money you can own a demilitarized tank
ashtic 20
That isn't the case... The reason you were allowed weapons was to aid in a militia to repel a second British Invasion. Get the facts right.
THEDUDE1553566 24
You killed there joke #41
Hierobulle_fml 7
#55 The key word here is "demilitarized". Also, armour-piercing shells, missiles, long-range artillery... A tank isn't really a viable option anymore when fighting against a modern army. And big guns are worth shit when you're fighting against whoever employs DARPA.
Arwen_Evenstar 37
A lot of people in rural areas of the UK own shotguns, but something like this they'd be taken away for life. You're checked before you're allowed them and the police who check you can turn you down for any reason. Sometimes I wish we could have more guns, I'd love to own a pistol. Then I read something like this and remember we're better off overall.
Ryan8878 21
#20 - He was just standing his ground. Those stand your ground laws let you get away with just about anything.
aruden 25
Being in the military for 5 years we have had this discussion of what we would do if we got orders to go against citizens over guns and other shit almost everyone I talked to flat out said we would not do it.. remember guys the military is for the citizens made up by the citizens our family are citizens. The real people you would have to worry about are private military groups being brought in to do the job. Citizens with guns are another line of defence for foreign envaiders and a way to keep politicians in check even though it sounds crazy we have used it in our past. It's hard to expect people from other countries to understand our passion for guns.
apcsox 18
Very true 41. I'd rather die on my feet than be executed on my knees if it ever came down to that.
missa1996 18
#20 the reason the U.S. government cannot ban weapons is because it's written in their constitution that they have the right to bare arms, and if they rewrote that many US citizens would NOT be happy. Studies have shown that if Americans want to kill someone, (yes they'll use a gun because it's readily available) they'll find another way to have someone dead if guns for example were banned.
DoomSkuller 28
#28 Except, if that situation arises, the military can, and most of the military likely will, side with the civilians. The government does not fully own the military.
leogachi 15
@101 I know what's written into our constitution. I was explaining why it's written into our constitution.
Hierobulle_fml 7
#101 You'd be surprised by the amount of things people won't do if they are hard to do. A gun makes killing easy, and you can do much more damage faster than with a knife. That ease means having a gun ready nearby and succumbing to immediate impulse can get someone killed pretty fast. Doing that with a knife is harder, and therefore makes you think more about what you're doing.
JayGatsby 25
I actually support more gun laws (that's just my opinion, if you disagree that's fine). I believe that is very good for defense and that if a criminal is robbing you out something, they clearly are not afraid of breaking laws, so whether or not guns are banned, they will most likely have one. I remember one time my house was broken into, and I thought there was still someone inside. It took 10 minutes for the police to come. It ended up that my house was broken into before I noticed it and the guy was gone, however, if he was actually in the house, I would have been dead by the time the police had come. Of course OP's boyfriend did not use his gun appropriately, so FYL for OP still, and I would lock the gun away where he can't get it.
dewberry2001 25
Henceforth, when a man with a knife in London cuts the head off a British soldier, he can then walk around freely for 20 minutes before armed authorities arrive on scene. Less guns does not necessarily equate to safer.
Dick_diamond 22
* bear arms. Although I'm all for the idea of them baring their arms, too. If they no arm fat..
brandonc8892 13
Because you're completely ruled by your country and if the need rises, your entire country would be completely incapable of defending itself from attacks? Whether foreign or domestic?? Yeah, there's a reason America is called "Land of the Free, Home of the Brave".
brandonc8892 13
How do you figure? 300 million against an army of MAYBE a few hundred thousand? Idiot. Why are you letting the moron poor out? Think before you speak.
brandonc8892 13
No. You are retarded.
brandonc8892 13
They absolutely CAN make the right to bear arms illegal. They've made nearly every other Right illegal / useless / invalid. Right to bear arms is the LAST free right of the American people.
cowboyroy45 10
Hence why I'm glad to be an American. If I should find myself in a less-than-stellar situation (ie home invasion, carjacking, mugging, etc.), I can protect myself and my family. No having to wait 15-20 minutes for the police to show up. I can use the one thing that says "go away" in every language; a gun. And, I don't mean to make an ass of myself saying this, but if I recall history correctly, y'all were pretty happy when your neighbors across the pond sent their personal guns and ammunition over to England in case them Nazi bastards tried to invade. Granted, things are very different now, but know, if history were to repeat itself, as it often does, and your country were to face invasion again, know, that us Americans would be happy to send you everything we had. Just like we did in the '40s.
lucaskoolstra 12
Sorry this is America where we can do what we want
Matheo_fml 21
Hahaha. And it seems that you honestly belive in that...
Adeptus_Astartes 22
Because you're liberals? There is no good reason for that other than an ignorant fear of what you do not know.
Adeptus_Astartes 22
There is no good reason for that. Guns are more beneficial than not, but you will get idiots when it comes to everything. If not a gun, probably a home-made flamethrower.
Vagitarian4life 14
A bit of an over reaction don't you think?
lex1459 38
You've never found a spider in your house, have you?
SirMichael 13
@3, No.
FMLusername969 21
Some people have legitimate fears/ phobias.
ChopSuey444 20
#3's statement is completely factual. It IS an over reaction regardless of how scared you are. He could have killed someone. Y'all are just down voting for the sake of over exaggerating your arachnophobia, smh -.-
sturschaedel 27
Next time he should go for a face full of napalm. Much more appropriate.
lex1459 38
Honestly, I don't see a better solution than the one your boyfriend found.
Scooter42 15
how about his thumb?
SirMichael 13
Kill a tarantula with his thumb? You Serious?
lex1459 38
See? No better options.
MDoremis 38
Uhm... A baseball bat, a boot, frying pan, baking sheet, fly swatter, bleach, an encyclopedia sized book. Those only took about thirty seconds to think of that didn't require the use of a firearm.
jackhughes 11
It was a joke...
danielhartlesss 13
I agree with #4, we should throw out all of these mundane options and be more creative in our merciless killing of spiders. Handguns, rifles, shotguns, flamethrowers, small explosives, these are a few examples of viable options. There is no such thing as overkill
Ichiya 29
Or a cup over it with an alcohol soaked cotton ball in it.
JKPwnage 27
Explosive rounds.
Scooter42 15
Well, considering his thumb out attached to the rest of his, on average, 200lbs. Yes, he could easily hold a big, bad tarantula down with one finger while doing something logical with his other hand. like using a bowl, a cup, or simply pushing straight down until it goes squish.
FitFriday 32
You could use a frying pan, a baseball bat, a shoe, and many other things to squish it, but I think you are forgetting that tarantulas are big enough that if you squish them the innards will make a mess
SecretAgent_700 15
#113, Yeah, you wouldn't want to make a mess. The best way to NOT make a mess is to shoot it with a gun inside your house!
geekpower_fml 28
Well, he's an idiot.
Cads1 24
Yet another only in America moment. Are bullets cheaper than insect spray.
MeanBeagle 22
bug spray: 6.87 average bullets: 6.99 for 50 rounds.
Cads1 24
I still think the bug spray will last longer but cheers for the price check.
Tthug 34
6.99? For 50? Maybe .22 rounds. And still that's cheap. I checked prices and they've actually gone down a fair bit. Although .45 will still run you around .46 cents each. OP, your boyfriend is moron for discharging a firearm at a relatively harmless spider inside a building. You are also a moron for screaming. Glad you're both okay though. Sounds like he needs to take a gun safety class.
HaonSnevets 12
How is she a moron for screaming at the sound of gunshots in their home?
bgreen1111 16
If there was a bad guy, she would have alerted them to her presence. Moron is an overstatement thought.
fazzems 21
Amurica.
jimmer23 21
'Murica!!!
Sillychees 22
Would have done the same
HoboMeth 36
Spiders are scary
livelaughlovepie 22
Well... That seems like a smart decision...