Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML
Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my wife had a dream in which I died while she was pregnant. This is troubling, especially since I had the exact same dream the day before. FML
Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML
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Top comments
ForestFire0 1
I just moderated this one an hour ago! This is very exciting for me. I've never had that happen before. The power is intoxicating! I think I'll fire someone tomorrow! This feeling's great!
MissCherrywhipx 0
Unlucky!
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Comments (203)
FoundManyLemons 0
Why are you married?
turdburgers 0
#65 It happens. One partner gets bored with the other. Even if you don't, your bf probably will.
kms24 0
Hey, at least your name IS Brandon! Good luck to you mate!
OrdinaryMan_fml 0
Fake story...Only people who are high would name their son Brandon
hustler123 0
haha lmfao! :P
TheJawsman 18
Here's a fake chinese proverb: Woman who put man in doghouse...soon find him in cathouse. You should hire a private investigator to see if she's getting it on the side...
TheJawsman 18
I just had another thought on that too... When you two are lying in bed next to one another...start whacking off. Every night. And make sure you use her name when you do it (that should be a given, but I just had to say it) she may feel more desired by you...or disturbed maybe. But at least your still getting off one way or another.
slutybunny777 0
u SHOULD DIVORS HER
slutybunny777 0
u SHOULD DIVORS HER
IAmBridgette 0
I love how people are suggesting to cheat. Ugh.