Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML
Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my wife had a dream in which I died while she was pregnant. This is troubling, especially since I had the exact same dream the day before. FML
Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML
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Top comments
ForestFire0 1
I just moderated this one an hour ago! This is very exciting for me. I've never had that happen before. The power is intoxicating! I think I'll fire someone tomorrow! This feeling's great!
MissCherrywhipx 0
Unlucky!
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Comments (203)
YallNoobs 0
At first i thought the punch line would be "My name is not brandon"
Buneary 0
Have you ever considered the fact that maybe you ask her for sex too often? Or that maybe she just doesn't enjoy it? Sex isn't a right, dude.
Yata_fml 0
shes probably cheating
coffeennicotine 0
Maybe it's because you're a whiney bitch.
FMLfangirl89 0
She's a lesbian.
leon_fml 0
FYL... but at least your name is Brandon ;)
cactus_fml 0
Atleast she wasn't moaning, "YES, CHARLIE, YES! GIVE IT TO ME GOOD!"
bizz8290 0
i can fix that just give her to me for a night!!!! jkjk what you do is you give her some sleeping pils and **** her when she is out cold!@#$~ teehee
jlynn1980 0
At least it was your name she was calling.
pernicious_pink 12
That's not good. Usually means she's doing someone else.