Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML
Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML
Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML
Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML
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Top comments
sydie5 12
You two are perfect for each other :)
yesyesnonono 10
It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"
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Comments (139)
Ray_of_midnight 23
You're smart enough to have written a post with proper grammar and with every word spelled correctly. That puts you ahead of about 75% of everybody posting to the internet, and should count for something.
OfficeNinja 5
Please *PLEASE*, for the sake of humanity, say you triple up on your birth control.
abbasgirl 3
I doubt it. Your spelling and grammar are better than that of half the people on this site.
C0N71NG3NCY 6
Don't breed more idiots, we've enough as it is.
livelobster123 14
Why are you all telling them not to have kids? Just because the parents are as stupid as hell, doesn't mean the kids'll be. Just because some people are dumb, doesn't mean they're bad people. Now,if your husband admitted to you he was having an affair with a potato, you might want to get him an IQ test.... And maybe some pills.
bimmergeek 5
You write pretty well for being mildly retarded. I suspect this is fake.
shanniemac 2
Please don't reproduce....
SLRfan 4
I can imagine Homer Simpson doing that, so funny!
trskln 1
Maybe he simply needs some glasses....
TPSerigne 9
Op managed to post an FML, that is a win.