Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML
Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML
Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML
Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
sydie5 12
You two are perfect for each other :)
yesyesnonono 10
It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (139)
ZTD09 2
Those two people are the same people. :l
esluvjay 5
Don't have kids
KaelaKhaotic 5
Match made in heaven.
Pinkfl0yd 9
He must be some sort of papal noob.
RebelYell14 4
Above or below that level?
ToxicTyrael 26
This sure is the most important question! I wonder why nobody asked it before.
NakedPixels 15
OP, at least you type well for a near-retarded person.
Nudi_fml 13
The two of you are going place.
Grimmerie 31
Yes, one place.
jkrdaw 0
Is his name Rick Santorum?
bunniex1 11
why is everyone saying reproduce?!? y can't u say don't have sex and get pregnant?
CoffeeChickBlows 13
I dunno, why can't you shut the **** up?!?
bootyful86 7
You can spell retardation. Good job!