Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML
Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML
Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML
Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML
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Top comments
sydie5 12
You two are perfect for each other :)
yesyesnonono 10
It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"
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Comments (139)
sydie5 12
You two are perfect for each other :)
cheaptrix 6
But I hope they don't breed
washingtongirl 8
OP, Please tell me you have no plans to reproduce and plague the world with your idiot offspring.
Brandonep 13
Are they by chance Democrats?
Angitia 8
#37, I'm almost sure their brain isn't capable of planning something so complex.
Brandonep 13
ThisIsMyReign 4
Would be fine but, you said minor retardation. My brother has down syndrome and I bet he is smarter then you. OP choose your words wisely next time. Not to be a dick but defending his honor.
evilscorpi 29
snookie shouldnt even be breeding.
BABYPUNCHINGGUY 0
Ok I think im the only one that thinks that two really stupid people would have amazing sex.
Pinkfl0yd 9
In some cultures it's considered a form of foreplay.
mmmPoptarts 6
74 would you prefer her to use the non-technical term?
LuckyTroll 6
74 -it's called minor retardation then mild then profound.OP is right.
ThisIsMyReign 4
Read it wrong I was drunk, sorry about that.
kuges 0
Sup
juturnaamo 29
It changed in the UK and US, it's now "Intellectually disabled"
yupitssoph 18
Nah even flies know how to hump
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
Is his name leeroy jenkins?
kickassblackbelt 0
Nice grammar. You should start a blog.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
Please, point out any errors you can see in my post. Are you referencing the fact that I didn't capitalize "Leeroy Jenkins?"
kickassblackbelt 0
Before or after you changed your comment? Lol.
yesyesnonono 10
It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"
jennytay 0
LEEEERRRROOOOYYYYYYY JENNNNKINNNSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
maiamafia 6
Why are you depleting brain cells watching his imbecile acts of frustration ?
sydie5 12
My brain cells depleted from reading that...
kickassblackbelt 0
Blonde moments :)
FMLshark 12
Judging by OP stating how low her IQ is, she probably knows she doesn't have many brain cells to lose.
sydie5 12
Those darn blonde moments always catch ya by surprise the sneaky bastards e_e
MCweSCRAPPY 2
Oh dear God please don't breed
jbfan23100 0
I would probably do that too...
SportsKnut 8
Just be careful, he might be making out with a lamp next
zxPenguin 0
Or he'll have sex with an electrical socket.
yahoowizard 16
Both will turn him on real well
ladyLALAA 29
I love lamp.
noncomposmentis 6
Or he might run his hands over splinters just to remember how that feels like.
laden_swallow09 35
80 - I see wut u did, thar.
emeraldisle 30
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
tennisrapper1 14
Perhaps put a great effort into learning new and interesting material to you. Devotion will take you as far as you want to go! And with enough effort, you can do practically anything that you want to do! I know this sounds a little cliché like, but it's true for the most part. Just dont set your standards too high at the beginning!
thejargogler 4
your husband sounds like he needs to visit the optometrist
jazzy131 0
Or the psychologist.
obviousboy 8
Please don't have kids. There are enough idiots in this world already.
zandalee 20
That was rude! What a mean thing to say! What are you?
drummerchic14 0
12, you stole the words right out of my mouth. and no it's not mean it's true
perdix 31
He must have thought he was a bad-ass fly swatter -- he nailed that sucker every time!
awepeach 3
Oh Perdix, you are always so pithy and snarky. You remind me of a gawker commenter. (Not a bad thing to me!)
Quidikic 9
Oh perdix, how we love you so.
Zebedeee 3
Perdix's comment was standard, if it was posted under any other name you wouldn't be complimenting it. Have some self respect.
booozle93 0
Who is perdix???
awepeach 3
This is true. I like how you picked up on it. For months now, in my spare time, I've been using the fml app on my phone without an account. As I scrolled through the comments, Perdix stood out to me, There was a very funny one from ages ago, but I didn't feel like leafing through all the old fml's, so I went to the nearest Perdix comment I could find. I just like smart people and to let them know they make me laugh and I appreciate it. You seem pretty clever too...
perdix 31
Thank you, #31 and #68, for your compliments! #31, I'll take your compliment in the best possible light :)
darkmis1 18
The thing is, he was continuously swatting it, which means he kept missing it. I'm guessing he thought that was the smartest damn fly ever - it got away from him each time.