Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML
Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML
Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML
Today, my wife was snoring in my ear. I nudged her, and she rolled over and started talking in her sleep. I listened, because it was funny, until I heard, quite clearly, "My husband is a dumbass, he's got no idea." No idea of what, exactly? FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML
Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML
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Top comments
sydie5 12
You two are perfect for each other :)
yesyesnonono 10
It's because you didn't spell it "LEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!!!"
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Comments (139)
PaulB123 11
So, he was swatting and missing a bean that wasn't moving? He must also have high coordination skills!
soupisyummy 13
>_< Yikes.
midgles 6
Hehe
linkinpark98 24
:D
MrSassypants 34
When I see comments that just include emoticons I am like this: -_-
linkinpark98 24
You're welcome! I love making people act out this face: -_-
br0ccoli 15
Shoo, fly don't bother me. You should have beatboxed to his rhythmic swatting. Makes things more entertaining when you bust out in song.
grog_fml 3
you write very well for a retard. fake.
DocBastard 40
Swatting a dead fly (or what you think is a dead fly) repeatedly doesn't mean you are unintelligent. Roasting the dead fly and then making coffee out of it, however, is a different story.
MsConfusedd 27
No offense, but your comments used to be much more entertaining, Doc.
MrSassypants 34
No offense, but I think you're confused, MsConfused.
Shrike 24
No offense, but who gives a shit what you think, MsConfusedd?
tennisrapper1 14
Sounds delicious doc! Will it fix my sarcas-o-meter?
DocBastard 40
MsConfusedd, starting off with "No offense" is just a sign that you're about to say something offensive, and it isn't a license to do so. At least be gutsy enough to tell me you think I suck without the "No offense" prelude, please.
MrSassypants 34
U suck! Lulz. Pwnded. Lulz.... No offense.
MsConfusedd 27
I would say that if it was true, which it is not. All I was saying was that I used to enjoy your comments a lot. More recently, I've just been dissapointed with your comments. They haven't been as funny lately. I honestly didn't want to offend you in any way. I think a lot of people automatically thumb up every one of your comments, just because you're DocBastard, even when they're not that great. You don't suck. Your comment was a little weird, but you don't suck.
CoffeeChickBlows 13
hey lady, your comment is even weirder, sounds like you're stalking the guy for gods sake. **** off and give the man some room, k?
pookberry 4
BOOBS
missalkali 8
probably the same people who give a shit what you think. so yeah, pretty much nobody.
BruceV18 2
For the love of god don't reproduce...
Almighty_Chris97 6
That was very well written for an almost retard.
DrNuggetcase 3
Well for almost being a retard you certainly can construct well written, gramatically correct sentences.