Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML
Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML
Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML
Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML
Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML
Today, I tried to tell a funny story at a party, but halfway through I forgot the punchline. I panicked and awkwardly mumbled something while everyone stared at me, waiting for something funny to happen. FML
Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML
Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML
Today, I tried to act confident at a work mixer by telling a funny story. Halfway through, I gestured too wildly and knocked an entire bowl of pretzels off the table. Everyone watched them scatter across the floor like confetti. I just kept talking. FML
Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML
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Top comments
BubbleGrunge 18
You didn't say HOW you were gonna make people laugh, so I say you succeeded in doing exact what comedians are supposed to do!
VasiIisa 5
I suppose you've mastered the art of the...spit-take.
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Comments (45)
crisanba 18
How many was it?
jw90 18
It's like that episode of family guy with Stewie in the restaurant with the famous guy that spits up his food every time he talks.
theycallmekitty 13
Just make this story part of your next comedy act xD
SwaggCapone 11
That was you?!?!?
worldclassrager 41
Was it 69? Was the joke a hit?
SwaggCapone 11
That was you?!?!?
BMTHsuperfan 18
well as my father always told me, "say it, dont spray it."
cutiepie99 17
Well either way people got what they came for a good laugh right op ;) so technically ur act was successful
buckdharma 38
Supply ponchos like Sea World and tell them all about how your boyfriend Peter Piper cheated on you with some girl who sells seashells.
konkoush 7
SHOW ME YOUR STAND UP