Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML
Today, I came home to my daughter in her room, crying hysterically. She's been asking for a pet monkey for a few weeks, and my husband got tired of it and told her about Travis the Chimpanzee (don't look it up if you're squeamish). Thanks for ruining her innocence, prick. FML
Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML
Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML
Today, I took my toddler to a petting zoo and warned her not to stick her fingers in the goat pen. Two minutes later, I stuck my finger in to pet one, and it bit me. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “See? I told you.” FML
Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML
Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
perdix 31
The funny thing is that the OP's daughter is 28.
Wiag 8
some peoples children
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (65)
Pleonasm 36
And don't forget to suck that ch- I mean watch that Sean Connery film!
kman8599 8
Explain to the lemur that posturing in such a way to reveal its netherregions is not appropriate when there are children around. Explain to your daughter that, despite being a total **** of a monkey, calling it names is inappropriate, without placing a one in it's furry little gstring first.
Bakarra 22
Qui-Gon approves this message.
cb1002630 11
That's some messed up monkey business.
Welshite 40
Dearest Noor and Pleo, not much can keep me calm when it cums to strip clubs, especially when there's a naughty nun in the mix. Those Sean Connery films can wait until after dinner!
greenie213 23
Why the heck would you want one of those?
misslauraselina 8
What, a monkey c*nt? Idk some people are in to weird shit
geekpower_fml 28
Tell her she won't be getting any sweets for a month if she continues. Problem solved!
Liamj774 36
I am OP's daughter according to Perdix
truesarrif 33
just tell your child the monkey **** hear her
DanielleinDC 34
I hope you took her home from the zoo. She misbehaves, she doesn't get to have fun.