Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I managed to scare my wife by walking round the corner on my way to the bathroom. Somehow this scared her so bad, she decided she’s done with my shit and wants a divorce. I just needed to pee. I never play pranks on her, so how can she tired of pranks. What did I do wrong? FML
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Top comments
604 11
Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!
devildog562 33
Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.
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Comments (72)
SmoothPancakes 10
#57, I wish all women were this sensible. God I hate women who feel like it's their right to be an absolute bitch or **** to every single person they come across, for no reason at all, simply because they're on their period or pregnant. Nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing the jackass trip and faceplant or getting bitch slapped by karma in other ways.
asylumlane 23
Why didn't you open the window before you started?
ahole69 2
If she didn't want morning sickness she should have swallowed
trendkilla254 4
Key to a happy marriage... Separate bathrooms.
alyssabreanne90 16
I am currently pregnant with my first. If my morning sickness hits when I know he is in the bathroom for any reason (******** or otherwise) I will just throw up in our trash can. Then I don't have to deal with the smell. Problem solved!
michael11562 7
Very funny OP but you wife shouldnt be mad at you for taking a shit. Id FML too.
Venasaur1 9
Is this what marriage is about??? Lol
devildog562 33
If she sucked it up in the first place he wouldn't have to . Hmmm funny how that works .
big_red_05 4
THIS. this is a guy who knows things
inolongercare 19
Pro-tip: matches! They REALLY help the smell