Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I managed to scare my wife by walking round the corner on my way to the bathroom. Somehow this scared her so bad, she decided she’s done with my shit and wants a divorce. I just needed to pee. I never play pranks on her, so how can she tired of pranks. What did I do wrong? FML
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Top comments
604 11
Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!
devildog562 33
Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.
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Comments (72)
604 11
Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!
AddictGamer 16
Well combining the two with a hormonal pregnant woman wouldn't help, F both your lives.
thebigtwinkie 28
Or the fact that she thought he set her up or did it on purpose.
Garrett2818 21
Way to break down the whole fml guys.
clemscott 10
Smell of shit
devildog562 33
Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.
BigLatchZatch 14
And chocolate (if she isn't allergic). This is called "The Great Three" they will save you.
zoeconner 11
The great what, #38? The suspense is killing me.
zoeconner 11
I apologize. It ended off at "The Great" before she edited it.
OhWhoCares 42
What good is ice cream and flowers? The woman is pregnant!! Time to pick up some pickles and yogurt OP! :)
Noah197099 17
Talk about holy shit.
slingerslasher 24
So that was the flood from the Bible
ethan043 18
Hope she lets it go. FYL op.
nyancait 18
Never **** with a pregnant woman. They'll drown you with tears.
SerenaSerenadex3 13
Air freshener is a savior!
Brandi_Faith 34
Or scented candles!
RandomMishaps 14
Guess you'll be on diaper duty, since she clearly can't stomach it.
nix1993 41
There is a massive difference between the smell of baby shit that's a product of milk or at most bland mushed up food, and the shit of a full grown meat-eating man.
captainsmegma 12
My dear shit is shit and shit stinks.
chinaski7628 32
But she won't have the morning sickness to contend with, so I'm sure she'll be fine.
doraaa01 7
Can clearly tell you're a male... She'll be able to handle nappy changes as she won't have morning sickness anymore. My morning sickness has gone and smells don't affect me like they did when I had it.
Brandi_Faith 34
Babies poop often smells much worse than a grown man! The water in the toilet helps eliminate a lot of the smell.
lulinator 40
There's no reasoning with a hormonal pregnant woman. Just apologize and get her some ice cream and chocolate.
WCARlover 35
Oh come on OP you definitely made sure to eat beans for that one ;)
Nyx7 24
F both of your lives I'd say, just bear with her, hormones can be a bitch