Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I managed to scare my wife by walking round the corner on my way to the bathroom. Somehow this scared her so bad, she decided she’s done with my shit and wants a divorce. I just needed to pee. I never play pranks on her, so how can she tired of pranks. What did I do wrong? FML
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Top comments
604 11
Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!
devildog562 33
Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.
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Comments (72)
TiiBags 15
And god said unto pregnant women, "let there be ***** of biblical proportion, and so shall the days of life on earth be numbered." Correct me if I mis-quoted.
Liamj774 36
I think that's about right, if I payed attention in religious class.
GentlemanBastard 15
"surely I say unto you, shit reeketh most foul, but ye shall not waiver in thine faith, for even the most righteous of shitters will feel the wrath of the Lord."
sydstoomuch 19
Lmfao!!!!!
ashleypfranco 7
day, a goat spit in my face so I spat back at it. but then it peed on me, I didn't have to urinate so FML
mete_orito 34
What did you eat OP? Noah´s ship?
PenguinBitch 44
Should have gone extreme and pour a whole bottle of shampoo in the toilet and flush.
captainsmegma 12
Hell mine are like that every morning. Might tell her you'll take a rain check on that morning kiss.
hk1998 8
Were you the guy from the earlier fml that was constipated for three weeks?
slyde32 12
what's your point?
Axipiter 24
She's onto you!
Khaleesi_26 30
It's just her hormones on high gear causing that. Dont worry it'll all blow over! And congrats on the baby!!
lulinator 40
I think it did blow over. Seeing as she blew chunks...
AnonymousAlpaca1 18
Maybe I'm just an ignorant American, but I fail to see what being in the UK has to do with that.