Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
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Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I managed to scare my wife by walking round the corner on my way to the bathroom. Somehow this scared her so bad, she decided she’s done with my shit and wants a divorce. I just needed to pee. I never play pranks on her, so how can she tired of pranks. What did I do wrong? FML
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Top comments
604 11
Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!
devildog562 33
Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.
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Comments (72)
starcaller17 16
"Today I took a shit of biblical proportions... FML" lol you don't even need the rest of it
summereclypse 6
Belly rub, back rub, foot rub, and whatever she's craving (if anything). if she's always sick, crackers and ginger ale. PAMPER THAT LADY!!!
danilynn6308 14
If you held it your stomach would've hurt like hell. If you pooped (which obviously you did) she would get mad.. You just can't win sometimes
restlesschill18 2
gotta courtesy flush those bad ones lol
noah_1234 24
i think the vomiting wasn't hormonal and was because of the crap smell.
cece23_fml 10
Made perfect sense to me, I've known many a house in the UK that has only one toilet, sometimes only in the upstairs bathroom. In America it seems you get a free toilet with every bedroom. In Holland where I live now there is always a downstairs toilet (handy for visitors) and an upstairs one in case you need peepee in the night.
worldclassrager 41
Are you catholic?
Brandi_Faith 34
Yes she's hormonal, but she doesn't need to be unreasonable. There's not even any logic in thinking he planned it. We women have to try and be aware of our hormones when we're on our period or pregnant or whatever the situation, and try to realize that the way we are often feeling is irrational and try not to take it out on anyone else. Hormones and periods don't give women the right to act nasty and however they want. It doesn't sound like she was too crazy in this situation, but I'm just saying in general.
cocainewhore 30
I live in the UK and every house I have been in has at least 2 toilets.
TiaBug 13
Omg a chick who understands they shouldn't be irrational and bitch on their period/whilst pregnant. I bet you only hang out with guys "because it's so much less drama". Sorry, maybe I'm on my period. Or pregnant.