Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 2 AM to grab a snack. I quietly crept down the stairs, only to find my dad, mom, and a couple of their friends having a secret poker game. Now they think I have a sleepwalking problem. FML
Today, my dad reactivated a digital clock we had lying around, and accidentally set an alarm on it. For 1 a.m.. So guess who went hunting for that noise in the middle of night. And guess who banished the thing to the living room, then forgot about it, and slept on the sofa in said living room. Or tried to. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML
Today, after making fun of my dad for years because he falls asleep in front of the TV every night by 9:30, I sat down “just for a minute” after work and woke up at 2 a.m. fully dressed, lights on, with Netflix asking if I was still watching, and a half-eaten wrap stuck to my chest. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML
Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my dad sleeps in the nude, when I rushed into my parents room at 3 a.m. to inform them that there was a bat in the house. FML
Today, I tried to sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack. I stubbed my toe so hard on a stool leg, I yelped then tried to keep as quiet as possible. My mom came running, thinking our cat and dog were fighting and hissing again. I hobbled back to bed, only to realize I didn't actually get any food. FML
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Top comments
MrsHaxxo 22
At least he is trying to protect his family.
Hoopachi 19
Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!
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Comments (82)
solo73188 9
lol
Badkarma4u 17
What, try to speak but your tongue is frozen. in south africa I sleep with both my eyes open.
XxDanno316xX 27
Is it just me, or does everyone want to know the conversation after dad found out he beat his kid with a baseball bat? Op please comment
kellyem2 20
"Oh....hey. How ya doin'?" *awkward silence*
hacksaw246 24
I hope you're alright! Look at the bright side atleast it was a bat and not the end of a shotgun..
vicky_lynnnnn 11
The baseball part at first had me thinking he did it on purpose for how late you were up...
MikeyScene420 17
1. How old are you? Lol 2. You do live in South Africa so it's a fair assumption you were a burglar
casey_ct 10
that sucks FYL...but i dont think ive ever laughed at an fml like this XD
ADBurns 22
Well. That's a great reason to have your own TV in your room..
munchly 17
You poor thing! I can imagine how bad your dad feels!
vlalam 24
on the plus side, no DNA test required and this proves u r his kid.. lol, hope he didn't beat u up that bad and u can still reproduce to continue his legacy... hahahah.. jk
laden_swallow09 35
To say you were "just kidding" suggests you told a joke. Jokes are supposed to be funny. What you said, however, made no sense.