Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 2 AM to grab a snack. I quietly crept down the stairs, only to find my dad, mom, and a couple of their friends having a secret poker game. Now they think I have a sleepwalking problem. FML
Today, my dad reactivated a digital clock we had lying around, and accidentally set an alarm on it. For 1 a.m.. So guess who went hunting for that noise in the middle of night. And guess who banished the thing to the living room, then forgot about it, and slept on the sofa in said living room. Or tried to. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML
Today, after making fun of my dad for years because he falls asleep in front of the TV every night by 9:30, I sat down “just for a minute” after work and woke up at 2 a.m. fully dressed, lights on, with Netflix asking if I was still watching, and a half-eaten wrap stuck to my chest. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML
Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my dad sleeps in the nude, when I rushed into my parents room at 3 a.m. to inform them that there was a bat in the house. FML
Today, I tried to sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack. I stubbed my toe so hard on a stool leg, I yelped then tried to keep as quiet as possible. My mom came running, thinking our cat and dog were fighting and hissing again. I hobbled back to bed, only to realize I didn't actually get any food. FML
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Top comments
MrsHaxxo 22
At least he is trying to protect his family.
Hoopachi 19
Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!
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Comments (82)
AHzulu 25
At least your dads home defense weapon is a bat instead of a firearm because that could have gone bad very fast...
Kielnmsoftly 26
One time, about 3 months ago I'd say, I came down for a midnight snack and my dad was about to attack me thinking I was a burglar. Good thing he didn't because he had a machete instead....yeah I just turned around and saw him with a machete about to swing it. Thank God he didn't.
Zarcissa 34
Holy...! That's scary. Did you scream in terror?
jomar_19 17
thats funny but that sucks, man.
alyssacornett 15
lmao
abNormal62 23
Join the club?
chadminer337 9
Call the police
local77 6
...and they'd shoot him from the back. no better
laden_swallow09 35
Call the police… for?
TheTripleThreat 9
These are the moments you're glad you're not in America where guns are so easily obtainable and the ultimate self-defence weapon.
Shade1982 21
What I was thinking too. Can we please see the comments from the people who think guns are the best solution for everything? "Oh dear, I just shot my own kid. Well, at least I exercised my constitutional right."
IceWrath 22
Like a bat outta hell.
usetheForceduh1 2
Good thing your dad doesn't have a shotgun.
Omniprism 15
This made me laugh but I hope you're ok. Maybe your dad should have asked "the burglar" what the hell he was doing first.