Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
Natasha14641 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Put those devils up for adoption, OP.
yoyoforpeace 14
Look on the bright side OP, at least they use teamwork!
Zoh_Aubrey 8
Ah, the joys of parenthood.
have_a_moment 0
Have kids they said. It'll be fun they said.
dead247 13
Whoever was to say that should be slapped. Repeatedly.
MagicGiraffe 12
52, and then the devil said "Let's put letters in math".
patrickalamo 48
I it's time for a late term Abortion...
Minx108 12
1- there will still be casualties somewhere else
migi428 5
71, you must be retarded.
theprincess79 2
That's rude! They don't need to be put up for adoption just because they were trying to get their moms attention, I think mom needs to pay more attention to her kids.
Major_Whupass 3
Sounds like you've got a couple of sadists... Sounds like you had two of me! :-)
tehhboss 6
Weird-o
dancersinger124 7
...What
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
geko911 22
The reason why DocBastard is in that list is most likely because he would never say something like that so it makes no difference.
RussianFox 13
32- You would be surprised by how far a kiss-up would go.
dead247 13
Reminds me of a "G" rated version of an antichrist. Instead of murdering your nanny, you slam your dads fingers in the door.
Shafena 8
Kids, eh?
Accuraxy 10
Yes, kids.
iOceanus 18
You wrote this just to get in the first 5 comments, didn't you?
ICastillo 25
They're out to get you now OP you shouldn't have told them no, to the toys they asked you to buy them.
LiesAndMischief 4
I'm sorry, but what's with the random comma...?
ICastillo 25
I didn't even notice that. I edited my comment and didn't take it out.
LiesAndMischief 4
Alright, I was just wondering because I couldn't help but read it with that awkward pause and it was bothering me. xD
ICastillo 25
Ya now that I read it I feel a little stupid.
ycrem0n 21
How about good parenting and psychotherapy?
Angelrose2004 17
I think these kids have watched The Omen one too many times!
day624 14
You my friend, have a couple of sadistic daughters
MURIKKA 11
I bet they enjoy standing together in long hallways.
Chanti_fml 26
Redrum..., redrum...
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
Akazuki 26
I bet we'll be seeing them in an episode of "Killer Kids" in a few years.