Unrequited callousness

Today, I heard that my crush’s dog had died. For some reason, my first instinct when I saw him was to say, “Oh my god, I heard that your dog died!” He started crying. FML

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

RIP

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

Mondegreens

Today, I was interviewing a potential candidate for a job opportunity. He started the conversation by saying that he was having a weird day because his friend just got married. To which I responded, “Oh, fun!” He'd actually said that his friend got murdered. FML

Rumours

Today, I learned my ex-girlfriend has been going around to all of my friends and telling them that I wanted to fuck dead people. No wonder nobody has been talking to me for the past 3 months. FML

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML