Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML
Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time. Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML
Today, while walking home from work, a young teenage girl ran up behind me and dumped a carton of milk on my head. She said, "The cow master baptizes you!" and then ran in the opposite direction, cackling madly. FML
Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML
Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML
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Top comments
kirbydumas 10
Well thanks OP. Now none of us can drink milk without thinking about that too.
mpkpm 19
Seems like you were a bit too thirsty..
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Comments (227)
kirbydumas 10
Well thanks OP. Now none of us can drink milk without thinking about that too.
MattM95 16
I was drinking a glass of milk as I read this FML. Lets just say I didn't finish the glass.
tr3vvv 9
Us lactose intolerant people going **** yeah!
Volcan_fml 22
Aw c'mon, I'm eating cereal!
Kreig1996 5
@ StormfrontX33 Ok dude, unnecessary
Lebeaugars95 20
but did you finish OP?
ibanghellokitty 8
Not unless you're a chubby chaser ;D *wink* *wink* 'nudge' 'nudge'.
wvcheesehead 13
Just an udder shame.
Venasaur1 9
Her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard??
Apache117 3
Yes! Someone who actually does the wink wink nudge nudge thing
xXDemonWolfXx 13
Heffer can be used as a term for a cow not just a prostitute wise one.
jazzy_123 20
OP thought they were doing doggy style, but to her it seemed more like cow style.
adameeo 21
This should have been first comment :/
adameeo 21
The udder shame one
schhichick 14
got milk?
Denois 9
Heifer is a female bovine that has not given birth. Cow is a female bovine that has given birth. Only cows produce milk.
johnrdz3 24
110, me too
mpkpm 19
Seems like you were a bit too thirsty..
Zoey_M_fml 24
I Don't get people who try to talk dirty. Most of the time it just sounds awkward .-.
bfsd42 20
Someday you might change your mind about that if you find the right person.
RedPillSucks 33
Meh. If you have to talk dirty to have sex, you're not really into it. There should be no need for additional motivation
Ryanc621 9
I read a story about a guy who tried to talk dirty and asked his girlfriend " do you like that you ******* retard?"
Zebediabolical 45
I once had a girlfriend ask me to try talking dirty to her. I'd recently seen Way of the Gun so the first thing that came to mind was me blurting out 'Open your facecunt, Imma **** start your head.' Needless to say that didn't go over well.
Pleonasm 36
44- I think people who talk dirty have to be really into it to say those kinds of things...
Dillyduzit 23
44- People who aren't into it aren't likely to talk dirty to begin with. And while the "additional motivation" may not be necessary, there's nothing wrong with making a good thing even better. You guys don't have to understand why some people like to talk dirty, you just have to understand that it IS enjoyed by many people. Everyone has different preferences, and if it's not yours then that's something that should be communicated with your partner. It's not awkward for everybody :)
awkward_gothlady 32
I know what you mean. I've just heard way too many stories of people who's said the wrong thing and ruined the mood. I think if I was asked to talk dirty, my mental state would go from, "yay! sex!" to "uh oh. What do I say? (insert random dirty thing to say) No! That's not right. That sounds really stupid. (other random dirty thing to say) No. That sounds really stupid, too. What do I do? Help!"
MrsKilown 20
My husband wants me talk dirty, but every time I try it sounds like this... Not attractive. I'll just keep with the mmm, yeah, and oh baby's! Lmao
Pleonasm 36
Tell him to milk you like a cow, apparently guys like it when girls say that.
sparty48910 5
He loved it, that's why he wrote about it on FML.
Fuaaad1994 31
"I'm going to **** your ******* fanny off, you twat" - Simon from The Inbetweeners
Queenie2014 11
Depends on what you say
Enslaved 38
I enjoy a little dirty pillow talk from time to time. Just as long as it doesn't get too raunchy. Name calling like "bitch" is a no-no but a few encouraging words such as "You like that?!" "That's it, babe right there...Don't stop!" Can get you motivated. And why not? I do have a voice to help express those feelings.
kaablam 17
#125, that's not talking dirty, that's just direction.
Enslaved 38
Then what is? "Milk me like a cow" sounds like directions too.
emirie 21
I'm sorry but 55's comment made my day
J3R3MYY 14
Talk dirty to me *techno tune* dee da da da dee da
Ololo_fml 16
#135 That's what makes you beautiful!
5destroyer35 20
#164 That "song" wasn't nearly techno. That was a saxophone.
whys0serious 12
What you called "name calling" is dirty talk. The other thing is not, those are just directions. In other words, you don't like dirty talk. Which is fine. Some people like it softer, some people like it harder. As long as both are enjoying it everything's on the table.
toxic_walrus 15
She tried.
leary96 15
She was over weight and working with what she had.
honeymoonroyale 20
Jackass.
bbfyso 10
I love how you added the fact that she is overweight.
a_wiener_d0g 15
The cow thing wouldn't have made as much sense if he hadn't
JennaNGood 21
Clearly you don't have any experience with **** if you think only overweight people could be applicable to this situation.
friedpwnadge 25
Why? Do you consider being overweight an insult?
brand125 17
#15- but having big **** doesnt cut it, she has to be fat because cows are quite large too, which is what makes the comparrison better
TheGreatPotato 19
More cushion for the pushin'
RaindropsOnBecky 8
more tuggin for the luvin
Pleonasm 36
Have none of you ever heard the expression "you fat cow" ? That's why it was necessary to point out that she was fat, it makes the metaphor complete.
SmittyJA24 26
#15, Jenna, has a valid point.
SunTzu2 9
Agreed
nyctophobia 5
down vote this comment because a winer dog explained it.
Plastic_Stitchez 25
Wiener**
Enslaved 38
I've heard the expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". She just wanted the OP to know she was giving away that milk.
cs480 4
Me too. If she was a skinny girl would he still not want to "milk" her?
bbfyso 10
I dont, he does....
mageepaigeee44 15
I've always thought natural breasts looked like utters when bent over. At least small ones. Like mine :/ I really hope other girls have this problem and I'm not just a freak.
whys0serious 12
@183: Small breasts are great. My wife doesn't have the biggest ones (not the smallest either), and I just love them - actually far more than the much bigger ones from my ex girlfriends. Guys have different tastes, surely you'll find somebody who likes yours. And just so you know: Breasts are pretty much always great for most guys, no matter how they look, so don't feel bad about yourself. Btw, if comparing then with a cow, I think the "bigger lady" analogy certainly fits better than the idea of a small breasted woman.
Dusk_Shores 9
Hey, It could be worse. She could have said "Do me like a pig!", then you'd never be able to look at bacon again.
applebramble 22
Nooo! Not the bacon!! :O
gingaa96 18
I kind of just fell out my seat laughing XD Thank you for that
barlos88 19
Would make it even dirtier if op was Jewish
Mauskau 36
Honestly, I'd rather have milk than bacon. I can't make cereal with bacon.
TheDrifter 24
Care to wager? I've got a bowl of bacon porridge that says you're wrong.
mageepaigeee44 15
What are you talking about I always make cereal with bacon.
Xkillz302 10
I wish to + this comment at least 100 more times
whys0serious 12
This FML posting was probably the best one ever, and this answer was probably the best, although it ruined the bacon for me for at least a few days :D - still, couldn't stop laughing
sharkgirl4 23
Well, that's udderly disgusting.
applebramble 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Utterly*
sharkgirl4 23
Flew right over your head, didn't it?
Nonamesavailable 7
oh boy lol someone doesn't know what a "pun" is
illegalbeagle69 23
Just like the cow flew over the moon.
DarkSaul 20
#14 should be PUNished for not know what a pun is.
brivielle 15
lmaoo
CelticSkye 13
Umm...Moo?
rjt93 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Come in cow Come In I mean "moo mooo moo mooo"
byefelicia1992 8
9- You just reminded me of that French model commercial lol. Um... bonjour?
CelticSkye 13
LoL! I was so dumbfounded, it was literally the only thing I could think of to say!
gracehi 33
And then she went, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" So sexy.
Ihavegas 22
in eastern Europe cows say 'shazzoooooooo'
dpl77 7
That shit will happen when you go to bangin fat chics
Baucis 10
I love me some big woman riding!
junkman6 22
Hell yeah! They try harder!