Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML
Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML
User manual
Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML
Bigmouth strikes again
Today, after two months without sex, my new coworker began telling me about how his ex dumped him after fucking all his friends. The only response I could muster was, “Well, I wish I knew you better.” That got HR involved. FML
Fun times
Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said, "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML
Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML
PUA in training
Today, I tried to use a corny pickup line on my crush, but my mind blanked and instead of, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I blurted, "Did you fall?" He just stared at me and said, "What?" FML
Denied
Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML
Wanker
Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML
Sensual world
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML
Top comments
tdawg91 17
So romantic! What girl wouldn't swoon?
RobinGoodfellow 47
Are there actually effective pick-up lines? Though that one, I admit, is particularly bad.
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Comments (111)
SpcNemo 10
That. I don't. What? So basically he just said he would like to screw you over for 9 months+ cool guy... FYL.
RobinGoodfellow 47
More like eighteen years, but sure.
Chicagoillinois 18
Technically longer, a lot of kids don't one out when they go to collage and the parents keep supporting them
1dvos_grl3 21
#51 no one likes a smart ass.
SaintGoobers 19
#51 didn't go to college
buckstop1 37
#51 is 18. Chances are, he is a senior in high school. So no, he hasn't gone to college yet.
LusciousLovebug 6
#51 How does one go to collage?
tdawg91 17
So romantic! What girl wouldn't swoon?
Just_A_Tree 20
You mean "I think of you when I'm horny." is NOT a good thing to say when you "meet" a cute girl for the first time, after you've "known" her for 4 years? What? Wow! No wonder those girls were a little creeped out when I mentioned their Facebook status from 5 months ago...
HereNReady 13
Well knowing this just changes everything
Mightyrif 23
T'is okay dude, you could always tell them that if they were a fruit, they'd be a "fineapple".
Ichiya 29
I go with " If I was an enzymeI would be DNAhelicase. So I could unzip your jeans," but that is just me.
PerditaDessa 38
88, I feel the need to buy you a drink for that one.
Johnnycake23 42
That doesn't sound like love to anyone else!?
HeartYou101 31
Someone sounds...Broody?
hardonforjesus 10
Like... Ever?
albertozeta_fml 9
"So why should I f*** with you?"
Ashamed_Sister 60
Such a statement lets you know very effectively which guy you should avoid. Somehow it is effective.
SeriousJoker72 18
Hellooooo HR.
RobinGoodfellow 47
Are there actually effective pick-up lines? Though that one, I admit, is particularly bad.
Just_A_Tree 20
The best pick up line is confidence with a little charisma, combined with respect, curiosity, and a somewhat clever yet gentle personality. Pick up lines don't work. But good character does. My mom told me that girls absolutely love talking about their family, and they like it when someone just listens and reacts to conversation. Only one girl has ever given me a chance and went on a few dates with me. My mom had given me hands down, the best dating advice in the history of all dating advice. Never had a bad date, because if conversation is running dry, just bring up family. Only use it when out of other things to talk about though.
Vegetarian27 24
There are some which will start a conversation, which can lead on from there. The trick is to not be a creep. You can use a line, but make it witty so you get a laugh, rather than actually coming on to her in that first line.
RobinGoodfellow 47
There's nothing better than talking about grandma on a date. I hereby promise you that I will clam up if anyone asks me about my family. I'm not fond of them. Looks like you and I shouldn't go on a date together, 24.
khorstmye 15
let's go on a date and you can tell me all about how you don't like your family.
cakefete2 31
No, #48, your approach is all wrong. Robin probably likes a man with strong morals and a Christian background. You know Robin, yesterday, during Bible study, I was reading the book of Numbers and I noticed I didn't have yours.
Just_A_Tree 20
Actually, #28. I have gone on some dates with girls who feel the same way. They tend to end up liking it even more, because there usually is a problem within the family and everyone has their opinion and wants to be heard. If anything, I end up being someone you can vent too and tell all the things you've thought about what your family does. Not only is it healthy to verbally express those emotions, but it also leads to just a deeper relationship. Obviously, bringing up family on the first date is bad if they don't like their family. But warming up to it is good. Wouldn't you want someone to stand next to you, listen to how you truly feel. All those little things you can't ever say to anyone else because of the consequences. Just someone who genuinely cares about your opinion in the matter rather than defending the other sides, just listening to yours.
marcranger 29
Nah, I'm with 48. Talking about my family is uncomfortable as hell no matter who I'm talking with, and I'd do just about anything to end the conversation and run away when it comes up.
Staresti 6
I think "pick up lines" really only work as a joke when you're already in a relationship with the person.
JKPwnage 27
"Hey girl. I make YouTube videos for a living no wait please come back" "Hey girl, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" "I got a bucket of chicken, wanna do it?"
TheAnon1313 28
The best pickup line is either "I want to be your chair, so I can always uppity you", "excuse me, can I take a picture of you so Santa knows exactly what I want?" Or "I wish I was toilet paper so I could touch your butt" (this last one was by Crawford Collins during a YouTube video...)
marcranger 29
67, those are still better than the "best" I got: "Nice shoes. Wanna **** ?" Made especially memorable by the fact that the propositioner was a very short 13-year-old!
Rababco 29
@ 68 I like the Santa one, it's cute.
battlehamster 8
A friend of mine always uses "hey, wanna fight?" with a smile. Works for him (and only him) all the damn time. But he's tall and used to be a male model and he admits it's never worked for anyone else.
Ichiya 29
Short and sweet. "Will you bear my child?" It lets the girls know you want a family, right?
RobinGoodfellow 47
#54, I just want to say that friends already serve that purpose and since many of my friends know the family members in question--and that the family members are not particularly likable--they are able to relate, empathize, and lend support. So if I did want to complain about my family, that's who I would go to. Not someone who's trying to woo me. I mean, I admire your dedication to the family conversation, but it ain't happening, and certainly not on a date. I've got other people I can vent to should I ever desire to do so.
PerditaDessa 38
I think pick up lines are a lot of fun. I'm not going to sleep with someone just because they use one but the type they use tells you a lot about them. My last relationship lasted two years and ended because of a move. It started with him coming up and asking "Are you a Warg? Because I bet you're an animal in the sheets."
Staresti 6
Is that an InuYasha reference there? I haven't seen that show in years, but I'm pretty sure there was a perverted guy who used that all the time.