I'll play chicken in my sleep

Today, I’m the latest learner of the lesson that, however desperate one is for relief from both, it is wrong to take sleeping pills (for insomnia) and laxatives (for constipation) on the same night. I'd have been fine alone. The catch is a night of pooping as I slept taught my guy that I’m bad to sleep with. FML

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

Ouch

Today, I learned a valuable life lesson : Never attempt to swallow your pills with a swig of hot tea. FML

Stuck

Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML

Today, I accidentally took an Ex Lax instead of an Immodium. It's gonna be a fun night. FML

Sophie's choice

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML