Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML
Today, a coworker told me something I didn't realize was confidential, until later when my boss called me, saying someone may have shared something confidential with me, and me, not thinking so, said I don't think anyone did. We hung up, they called back and elaborated, and it dawned on me now they think I'm a liar. FML
Today, I told someone “You too” when they'd said “Sorry for your loss” after I'd mentioned that I recently lost my dog to cancer. I realized what I'd said immediately and tried to fix it by talking more, which somehow made it worse. FML
Today, I overheard my coworkers talking about how someone has been stealing lunches from the office fridge. Feeling guilty, I admitted that I took a sandwich yesterday, thinking it was free. Turns out, they were joking to see who’d confess. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said, "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother." FML
Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML
Today, my sister accused me of hacking into her phone because I helped her connect to a WiFi network a while ago, and she'd completely forgotten about it. I only found that out when my mom accidentally leaked it to me. FML
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Top comments
somela 0
YDI and you suck I hope your family puts you up for adoption, so you know how your dog felt
studentwoes 2
Don't you watch TV?? Of course you never confess!
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Comments (86)
bballboy91 0
Maybe I should kill you and tell your family you ran away...
meorz 0
You are a complete ******* idiot, a human life is far greater then one of an animal. You cannot even come close to comparing the two.
CheeseHater 23
Meorz you stupid meat-head, humans are brutal, selfish killing-machines. Dogs on the other hand, are harmless (mostly), peaceful and sometimes beautiful animals who have done nothing wrong. We humans suck and should be extinguished as soon as possible so that earth once again can be atleast almost peaceful. With this said I hope you understand that dogs are worth over 10 000 times as much as a dumbass-human... OT: OP, you're an ass however if you gave the dog away because of that the dog was a pain in the ass, or if you just did it because YOU didn't like it so I hate you already.
scateice 0
You could always get a cat. They're cleaner and not so much a pain in the ass
DameGreyWulf 1
I disagree, and I adore cats. I mean, yes they are cleaner, but they're only not a pain in the ass if you know what you're doing. Cats are very prideful, and tend to be a bit bitchier or brattier than dogs.
robotInDisguise 0
Wow your a terrible person. May be you should tell your family about fmylife.com, I think they have more to complain about than you.
plzdunstpdamusic 0
god, you are such a jerk. you deserve it. you are a ****** up asshole.
Cromwellsandwich 0
I hope your family sells you into human trafficking, and tells everyone you ran away.
endless_text 0
Best. FML. Ever. I laughed so hard at this I choked.
Six_and_the_Moon 3
So today you learned not to be a complete fucktard. Kudos.
IAmBridgette 0
YDI for giving the dog away you douche.
NorfolkDude 2
You remember that story about To Kill a Mocking Bird? About how if you have a guilty mind, you're going to assume the world around you suspicious?
army1312at 0
Grats no more pissing and ******** on the carpet.