Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommate raged at me for "lying" about being a vegetarian, because she saw chicken stored in my side of the fridge. That chicken isn't for me, it's an ingredient in the homemade food I make for my dogs. Apparently, serving my dogs real meat instead of forcing them into vegetarianism makes me a hypocrite. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, I have to spray the kitchen whenever my new roommate cooks. Not only can he not cook, but what he usually makes is some godawful concoction of ramen noodles, canned tuna, Tuna Helper, and Ranch dressing for himself. The stink alone is enough to make me choke, but he smokes the entire time he makes it. FML
Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML
Today, my roommate said that whoever was doing the dishes was doing it wrong. I've been doing the dishes for weeks. So much for being a clean roommate. FML
Today, I had to be the asshole who finally told one of our friends that his wife can't cook. This was after she tried to make fajitas using a third-rate premade sauce and processed ham, burned it, and stank up the entire house. He seemed shocked when we all agreed; he thought it was good. We all facepalmed. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML
Today, my roommate still chooses to waste his money on McDonald's food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He politely refuses to eat my nutritious home-cooked meals that people say taste amazing. Then he complains that he's in a shitty mood all the time. I wonder why… FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML
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Top comments
alpaquette91 9
Did you know, a temp of 165 or higher is best for poultry... Oh and cook for your self he isn't your mother.
AugustBurnsToast 14
I bet they also tell you that it's okay to eat mushrooms from your backyard.
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Comments (113)
123ilovejustinb 12
Chicken is best served fried
alpaquette91 9
If you want clogged arteries and be morbidly obese by age 30
cBlackout 13
I forgot, that if you eat fried chicken it is your destiny to be morbidly obese at age 30.
Michaelsgirl04 9
but to arr is pirate
proud2fly 7
He shouldn't have acted so cocky, his cooking is far from eggcellent. But seriously, let's talk turkey. The two of you need to learn temperature foods need to be before you can gobble them up. Don't be chicken and take a cooking class.
DCFan 9
You should have stopped after the first sentence.
deviable 9
I hope he doesn't work as a cook, because he could get fried.
fsamslife92 8
Why did this get thumbed down so much? I genuinely enjoy reading a paragraph of bad puns once in a while.
louiseth 9
Hey, you didn't know either, can't be entirely his fault.
Dilwann 27
OP did know.
poopehdoo 9
Then why are they suffering the ill effects XD
Angelrose2004 17
Maybe he's just saying that so you don't expect him to cook for you. Worked for me growing up :)
simonsaysYDI 8
Raw chicken tastes terrible. Don't know why he would say that's how it's served best ._.
TheGewt 7
Why would you even want to try raw chicken to see how it tastes? Chicken will eat poop sometimes.
coried91 28
Just about all animals end up eating shit.
stolencookie 17
YDI for believing him. You can't blame him if he really didn't know and you didn't know either. And if you did know, you would immediately be able to tell by the texture of the chicken and have spat it out. If you did, there would have been no real consequences to deal with, assuming "side effects" meant you got sick from it...
omarzrgz 3
Then cook your own food
PrincessPesa 20
I imagined Ralph Wiggum in this situation while reading this- the 'voice' in my head was his. The username matches too. Otherwise, what's that about?! Let's be real, Ralph. Eating half- cooked chicken is pretty much your own damn fault once it's in your mouth and you're chewing it!
alrightmylover 5
Ah come on, everyone knows chicken has to be totally cooked...you obviously know nothing about cooking either ya silly thing! Hope you feel better though.
Xalandra 17
And this is the point in the relationship where you get your roommate to agree to only cook steaks and for you to cook all other meats, because you know exactly how "medium rare" you want to have them cooked. Good luck OP