Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my roommate raged at me for "lying" about being a vegetarian, because she saw chicken stored in my side of the fridge. That chicken isn't for me, it's an ingredient in the homemade food I make for my dogs. Apparently, serving my dogs real meat instead of forcing them into vegetarianism makes me a hypocrite. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, I have to spray the kitchen whenever my new roommate cooks. Not only can he not cook, but what he usually makes is some godawful concoction of ramen noodles, canned tuna, Tuna Helper, and Ranch dressing for himself. The stink alone is enough to make me choke, but he smokes the entire time he makes it. FML
Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML
Today, my roommate said that whoever was doing the dishes was doing it wrong. I've been doing the dishes for weeks. So much for being a clean roommate. FML
Today, I had to be the asshole who finally told one of our friends that his wife can't cook. This was after she tried to make fajitas using a third-rate premade sauce and processed ham, burned it, and stank up the entire house. He seemed shocked when we all agreed; he thought it was good. We all facepalmed. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML
Today, my roommate still chooses to waste his money on McDonald's food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He politely refuses to eat my nutritious home-cooked meals that people say taste amazing. Then he complains that he's in a shitty mood all the time. I wonder why… FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML
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Top comments
alpaquette91 9
Did you know, a temp of 165 or higher is best for poultry... Oh and cook for your self he isn't your mother.
AugustBurnsToast 14
I bet they also tell you that it's okay to eat mushrooms from your backyard.
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Comments (113)
GeorgiaBea 28
Why would you eat undercooked poultry? That is completely your fault.
NostalgiaFreak9 43
You must be an idiot yourself if you weren't aware that chicken has to be fully cooked before you can eat it.
shannon2348 14
Well if you were dumb enough to eat it then ydi.