Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML
Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML
Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML
Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the park. I found a nice shady spot and closed my eyes. When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep on an ant hill. My entire body was riddled with ants. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML
Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I felt an itch on my arm. Then another. Then another. I finally looked to see what was going on, only to find a bunch of ants crawling in my bed. They were somehow getting in through the closed window. Guess I’m done sleeping tonight. FML
Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML
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Top comments
howard007 18
Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch
MagnusDeus 24
Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP
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Comments (61)
shaun1212 4
Wait... Why'd they go for your penis OP??
Solano2580 24
I'm more concerned as to why you slept there, unless it was camping, or getting locked out of your house YDI
AggieMike77 12
Okay, I'm a doctor... believe it or not ammonia on a cotton ball is not a miracle cure but it helps tremendously.
lukeDAduke157 11
Thats gotta hurt like a b****! Hope that gets better, OP.
trucker2 33
Should have washed it, they may have nibbled on you arm instead. Sorry, FYL them things are truly horrible.
trucker2 33
Damn, that bites
dirtbikeguy 14
Not to alarm you but they MAY have to amputate. I've seen this many many times
texasmade817 5
ugh, been there except mine was from poison ivy and it spread viciously to my backside. Let's just say I've never held in my stool for so long because I was scared of what it'd feel like
annalivlivliv 20
Of all the places to bite...
darthhera 11
This made me clench my legs together and I'm not even a dick owner.