Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML
Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML
Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML
Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the park. I found a nice shady spot and closed my eyes. When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep on an ant hill. My entire body was riddled with ants. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML
Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I felt an itch on my arm. Then another. Then another. I finally looked to see what was going on, only to find a bunch of ants crawling in my bed. They were somehow getting in through the closed window. Guess I’m done sleeping tonight. FML
Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML
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Top comments
howard007 18
Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch
MagnusDeus 24
Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP
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Comments (61)
NineeCat 32
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!
confused_wandere 26
Your name makes me cringe. Just saying. Sorry about your ding-a-ling though!
hellnosucka 27
you need an ant-i-itch cream op
MRP360 14
Stop I can only get so erect
jarkleflob 13
may I ask why you slept in the back yard?
jansdrs 19
Tired from yard work?
vikky538 29
Thats why dont use the maple syrup for lubrication!!!
Hunter_the_Ninja 22
That must burn...
Shuff52 21
Thinking about it makes me cringe. I can't even say keep your head up and mean it. Sorry OP
nonsensical 26
Which head should he keep up??
Tommy214 20
that had to hurt! Sorry OP
LadyLuck93 20
Sounds like a nightmare... damn son.