Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML
Today, my girlfriend viciously chewed me out for not taking a sandwich to work to save money. I don't have a problem with packing lunches, but the store-brand white bread she insists on buying is disgusting. She won't listen to me, and refuses to let me buy anything else. FML
Today, my disgusting coworker made a comment about "women versus accountability" and I couldn't even yell at him for being a sexist scumbucket, because my wife threw coffee at me yesterday for pointing out that she'd left the chips open and they went stale. FML
Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML
Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML
Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML
Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML
Today, if I don't do work around the house, my girlfriend will call me a lazy pig and yell at me. If I do, she will yell because I didn't do it the right way. If I ask her to clarify the right way, she will call me a dumbass, give useless instructions, and work herself up into yelling at me. FML
Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML
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Top comments
jwrin373 7
Just tell her "that's cute now GO MAKE A ******* SANDWICH "
CanadiAnM8 24
You should tell her to stop yelling as it is annoying you and to stop arguing with your god damn opinon.
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Comments (124)
singer0421 32
You could've asked politely instead of just stating it
Shrike 24
Reading comprehension isn't your strong point, eh?
strawberrywine22 30
#12, this is the second FML I've seen you comment on while clearly not having read it all the way through. I'd suggest maybe getting a tutor, our perhaps Hooked on Phonics.
AnagenisisZagus 13
Singer, Singer, Singer. For the love of Satan, do read the entire FML. Apologising several times over the same ridiculous mistake does not mean a damn thing. Take our advice and just read the damned thing, eh?
LindsayxMoore 18
tell her to stop pmsing 24/7 and stfu. if you arent commanding her to do anything then she has no reason to bitch. and dont apologize when you are doing nothing wrong.
ball_crusher 4
because retaliating with actual sexism doesn't make OP look like a pathetic retard.
DocBastard 40
I'm curious how many times you actually say "make a sandwich" in everyday conversation. You make it sound like you purposefully say it several times a day just to piss her off. I hope you do just that. Just to piss her the **** off.
liblob 6
doc . how come you havent written anything on your blog in ages. They are a brilliant read.
DocBastard 40
Four days is "ages" now? You may want to check it again. :)
horneyhic 15
What if she works at subway
olpally 33
She's the ****. She should make you a sandwich and she owes a fortune to the swear jar.
Alicestraza 33
If you kept a swear jar you'd be very rich.
olpally 33
Yes indeed^ :) haha. I think I owe about $375 to the swear jar. ****...
horneyhic 15
I might owe that if I paid in pennies
xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18
$376
jw90 18
I think I'm gunna go make me a sandwich now.
patrickalamo 48
Don't get a job at subways...
The_Nuke 31
just tell her to shut up and finish the laundry while you go make yourself an amazing sandwich
mintyowlgirl 20
Hipster. Gotta love them. :/ But hipsters are not hipster because they follow the example of being a hipster
xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18
Yeah, true man. Hipsters don't understand that being a hipster is an affront to the whole point of being hipster, by following a style
VeylonaBloodsea 6
Sure, someone would freak out that hard about "make a sandwich" regardless of context and use the word **** as an insult.
vffjvsegb 11
At least you don't work at Subway...