Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML
Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML
Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML
Today, feeling very distant from my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML
Today, I was helping my mom look for some money she'd misplaced. At my wit's end, I flipped through her diary, in case she'd hidden it between the pages as she has before. Didn't find the money, but I did find out she might well be cheating on my dad. FML
Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML
Today, my therapist asked me if I’d been journaling as he suggested. I had to tell him that I don’t trust writing down my innermost thoughts anymore, because when I was younger my mom read by diary multiple times and beat me for what I wrote. So did my ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML
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Top comments
MandyMeow_fml 18
That's true motherly love
emilyjgraham 34
I'm sure you'll understand one day, not that every mother wants to use violence, but how stressful having a child can be. Maybe your mother went through post natal depression but wasn't diagnosed, it happens. Just let it slide, I'm sure she's happy now. She might not want to remember the feelings she had. :)
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Comments (179)
keylimecat87 3
And yet, here you are!
lylotrezor 20
You shouldn't have looked at the diary in the first place.
ImaginaryFoe 1
Exactly. How dare you, OP. You "couldn't help it" - please. What would your reaction be if your mother read all your most private thoughts and had the audacity to judge you on them? I take it you're not a mother yourself? Not everyone takes to motherhood instantly. I suffered from depression after my baby was born. Never stopped me from loving my baby but I used to dream of just hopping on the first plane out of town and leaving everyone. It's draining to have this needy lifeform depriving you of sleep and demanding all of your attention. Frankly, I'm surprised every mother doesn't go through it. Don't condemn yours just because she did. If she's a good mother to you now, you have no quarrel with her.
vespergreen 17
Maybe your mum was just too young at that point of time. You know, people do change.
willou35_fml 13
ahah
reject214 10
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
She might have actually done it. You might not remember since you were so young. You should confront her and learn the truth.
MissMess 12
Oh do be brief. There is nothing to suggest she actually did it, otherwise THAT would've been the point of the FML!
reject214 10
Theres nothing to suggest she didn't . Why not uncover he truth?
PandaMantis 6
So the OP should confirm their mother never drowned them in the toilet or threw their infant body against the wall? I think the fact that OP is ALIVE is confirmation enough!
reject214 10
That doesn't mean she didn't do it. As long as OP found the dairy, he/she should learn the truth. What's the problem?
PandaMantis 6
The problem is that drowning & throwing infants against walls kills them, yet OP is alive.
reject214 10
Re-read the post. It doesn't say she drowned OP. it says she wanted to stick her head in the toilet. It doesn't mean she wanted to kill OP.
Knightchaser27 25
If she had done it wouldn't OP have brain damage or be dead
Myo_fml 20
Because his post is just moronic.
reject214 10
Thank you 83. They all know we're right. She actually could have stuck her head in the toilet for a brief second or two. That wouldn't cause any brain damage. People are stupid.
bizarre_ftw 22
99 - You included?
PandaMantis 6
She wouldn't have given the baby a swirly, she'd have drowned her. This didn't happen. And no infant would have survived the head & body trauma of being thrown into a wall. This is why people are telling you you're wrong. Not because we are stupid, but because you're not thinking this through.
reject214 10
No 100, but I'm the only one who's thinking this though logically. Time OP to tell your mom to fess up.
reject214 10
It says, ''she wanted to dunk my head in the toilet.'' read it. Nothing about a swirly, as you put it. Come on.
paddy4169 5
As well throwing a baby at a wall could kill, but its unlikely, kids are still growing at that age, and most of their bones haven't joined together, so it would be like throwing jelly at a wall, and despite what you think, an infant can survive a lot of things, I mean you hear of kids being dropped on their head all the time. And that has more chance of killing you than being thrown at a wall. So theoretically yes it's all possible, all though unlikely, it could've happened without OP knowing or dying.
downtime 13
...Who cares? What would finding this information out now do? What do you plan to do, call child services and report her for abuse? If you are alive now and have no long term issues that could stem from these things then there is nothing to gain from confronting her about her obvious depression. And if you really think she meant to dunk the child in the toilet for any reason other than to drown it and silence the child I think you're missing the point completely. Mothers don't want to throw their babies at walls if they don't want to kill or silence them...connect the dots here and catch up to the rest of us already.
hooligyn123 18
It's highly likely if she had said "I want to.." there would have been a "Today I did this..." in her diary. Part of some postpartum treatments involve writing a journal of your thoughts so you can work through them and not actually do them. Even if OP's mom wasn't being treated medically people often do the same things a doctor/psychologist/councillor would suggest they do anyway. OP's mom was likely just releasing her frustrations on paper.
Welshite 40
#115: I've never before equated an infant to jelly. Not only would that be cannibalistic, it's more than slightly disturbing that you've actually thought out the physics of throwing a child into a wall.
andiewithlove 21
Uh, I think that by dunk their head in the toilet it's implied. People say shit they don't mean all the time. No sane mother would actually do such a thing to their baby no matter how much it cries and gets into mischief.
reject214 10
All you people are missing the point! Now that she found the diary - because she was so troubled by what it says - is to confront the mon to see if it actually happened. Otherwise, she'll remain troubled about it for the rest of her life. Really people!
klovely22 13
39- I think you should stop trying to explain it to them. They will never get it.
MissMess 12
Well don't read her diary then! Every mother feels that way at some point, my mother still threatens to beat me with a stick when I piss her off and I'm 22 and have my own kids!! Bet she will wish she could throw you against something if she ever finds out you looked at her personal stuff!
Isoldael 27
Haven't you ever had violent thoughts about someone? "Grrr, I'd toss that annoying passenger off the airplane if I could...". Being a parent has tons of frustrating, exhausting and just terrible moments. If your mom could vent that frustration into her diary, which no one else would ever read anyway... They are only thoughts, and private ones at that.
Pandacupcakelove 26
At least she kept it in her diary which was private and you shouldn't have read it!
Greggums 2
What a lovely mother :)
DocBastard 40
"Don't throw the baby against the wall. Don't throw the baby against the wall." This is what I repeated to myself as my newborn woke me up crying for the 43rd time that night. Again. It isn't something I would actually have done, it's just something we say to cope with the extreme exhaustion. Think nothing of it.
kimg0885 23
I'm glad I'm not alone doc. I would never do this, but at 3 am when I'm getting up for the millionth time at night, I wonder is my baby broken? Maybe a good knock upside the head will fix it, just like a tv? It's tough but I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in those mid- night feedings!
morgan020 0
Doc this is the number one reason I love breastfeeding and co sleeping. She eats and I sleep. It works out well. Not having a pillow for my head and only a light blanket for me kinda sucks but it works for me and her. I know you're a dr and probably have your own opinion about co sleeping. It's not for everyone but it does work for us and I have taken every step possible to make sure it is as safe a sleeping area for her as possible. She loves her boobie and as much as I have tried she will not sleep without it. So this is our final solution. :)