Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I have been victimised by a lunch thief at work for months, despite numerous complaints to management, so I exposed the thief by lacing my curry with that old classic, laxatives. Even though my coworker was caught brown-handed shitting himself, I was the one suspended for making him sick. FML
Today, after weeks of stealing lunch from one of my employees, he made a sandwich with canned cat food, soap, and something unimaginably spicy that caused me to spew all over my office and laptop. I fired him. Now everyone is treating me like a monster. FML
Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML
Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML
Today, as if having diarrhea at work wasn’t bad enough, my office’s aggressively flushing toilet sprayed me with my own liquid shit. FML
Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML
Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML
Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
keverdeen 14
I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...
verkaderk 9
Your descriptive wording astounds me
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (124)
kerrwoof 13
How did this post make it through the moderate process? How you worded it was terrible. Let the thumb downs begin.
RAUHWeltBegriff 9
shitty
the_smart_way 10
Attempt at a joke
MichellinMan 20
I cracked up at this comment just because of its pure stupidity.
TheGodDamnJoker 9
In order to preserve the sacred tradition I will say it xD "what a shitty situation OP" xD
keverdeen 14
I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...
MarilynI 9
Haha it's maybe a little overboard...
spikekutter 9
how am i high or stupid? i think that op is the high or stupid one..
keverdeen 14
Well now I stand corrected #38. good God.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
#38- I remember reading that on the day it was published. Freaking hilarious! This one comes as a close second though!
oj101 33
Aw OP, what a shitty sit..... Gets head bashed on keyboard dnksjshabahhalaodbrbaklalsdd
soccerchick800 10
I don't think I've ever read an FML with such a strong British accent in my head before!
TourettesGuyFTW 26
There is no such thing as a British accent. What you're hearing in your head is the posh Hollywood stereotype. We aren't all Colin Firth!
skyttlz 32
That story made me realize national dog day is my birthday lol.
omegafml 3
Ouch, I would get him back even worse
TopBanana20 11
The guy got suspended, if OP "got him back worse", I'm sure OP would get ratted out and suspended too. So kind of pointless, don't you think?
spikekutter 9
yeah, this fml doesnt make much sense the first time you read it..
Shrike 24
Holy shit, you must be pretty high and/or stupid, then.
Pleonasm 36
It's the end of the world, what do you expect, Shrike?
RvidxrKlvn 8
Too many people just skim right through everything
mtlfenix 7
No, just f'n stupid ... I'm high and I got it right away :)
verkaderk 9
Your descriptive wording astounds me
GothickNihilist 15
Cockbite is definitely a new one. It's right up there with asscricket and fuckball.
sens3sfailing 25
Don't forget asscandle
olpally 33
And douche nozzle! Lol :D
jonmansheppard 9
And, a bit older, but pimply cockmunch
Prodigy7 4
Cockbreath.
LadyTorako 7
Or my personal favorite-- asshat :)
freshprizzle1 13
How about "peniswrinkle"?
andyyroxx 20
Cuntnugget! Piece of ass, fuckass, cheesy scrotum, dickpicker.
lemonlift 6
I like the pun in there, "this shit" good stuff op
MisterMichael 9
What movies have you been watching?
FlamingTacos 7
Dumb and dumber
MisterMichael 9
Touché
Pleonasm 36
That sounds like a Hole lot of pain.
oj101 33
Agreed. I have to Ass a point, that your co-worker is despicable. What a turd. It's time to go nuclear with him. What a crappy shituation.
BellaBelle_fml 23
oj101; You tried way to hard to make your so-called puns work. Some of them didn't even make any sense, and the rest just didn't go together to make a coherent sentence.
mbpoland 5
Wait, I thought that biological and nuclear warfare were against the Geneva convention?
onorexveritas 24
you know it doesn't just happen in movies
naya_bingi 11
I'm preeeeetty sure he knows by now.
onorexveritas 24
that was my point