mistletoe
Miami, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
myusofwe
Caguas, Puerto Rico 🌶️ Spicy
Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff
Lewes, United Kingdom
Unfazed and dazed
Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
London, United Kingdom
Out of my mind
Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML
keeks_25
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
Canada
What did you just say?
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff
Hopkinsville, United States
Limited edition prank
Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML
smyp
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
Lithuania
Miracles
Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML
Nublet
This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Effective
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML
hudd357mag
This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff
United States
Crossed wires
Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML
lax22
This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff
San Francisco, United States
Great, just great
Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML
starboi
This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff
Weaver, United States
You what now?
Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML
Top comments
hnz 13
That's when you say "Yo, can I kick your ass under the mistletoe"
Ambient25 25
Smack the shit out of him. I actually went to a bar before in DC and saw this pretty drunk guy try this on a girl: "Hey baby were your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special"... I burst out laughing
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Comments (85)
hnz 13
That's when you say "Yo, can I kick your ass under the mistletoe"
oj101 33
Sounds like something Jesse Pinkman would say.
712sash 26
Yo, Mr. White!
LowExpectations 30
No #48, he needs to restrain himself.
eyepuppy 31
Jesse was such a wuss. You should have just kicked that guy in the balls, OP.
johnpaisley 6
I just use the old classic hay I like u and So can u be my hohoho , they don't get mad they laugh
JocelynKaulitz 28
29, he would just have to add 'bitch' at the end of it.
rlb123 6
"They" ?
jarockstar27 10
I would actually say "only if i can roast your nuts over an open fire!"
HeatFanForLife 13
She should have said "mistlehellno"
Wederoney 16
Wow... but at least it's something new?
LowExpectations 30
New but unimproved.
flashback_fml 14
If you're going to say something stupid... Why say it at all?
MzZombicidal 36
Because if stupid people kept their mouths shut, we wouldn't have FML!
spoo 24
I love lamp
Siererrr 13
Looks like Santa Baby is gonna be hurrying up a very specific chimney this year
Ambient25 25
Smack the shit out of him. I actually went to a bar before in DC and saw this pretty drunk guy try this on a girl: "Hey baby were your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special"... I burst out laughing
Ambient25 25
I have to say, I knew a guy who caught an STD and still tried to get with girls. I tried warning them which ruined our friendship, but I always imagined him saying this: "I put the STD in STUD baby, and all I need is U."
JACKxRAWR 22
"Aye gurl are you Medusa cause you makin' me rock hard baby!"
Ambient25 25
"Are you Google? Because you have everything I'm searching for"
Wizardo 34
And an internet classic - 'Aye girl, if your ****** was a pineapple impanada can I take a bite?'
Ambient25 25
And a computer geek classic: "Hey baby, you turn my software, into hardware"
CobraLazerFace 21
"Hey baby, you make me **** Erectus."
Ambient25 25
Rape Sloth: "There will only be 7 planets left tonight, after I destroy Uranus"
Karcasm 7
#4, I have to remember that one.
IworkAt711 14
I have a knife and a penis, and one of them is going inside you.
Ambient25 25
"Do you work at FedEx baby? Because I thought I saw you checking out my package"
Darbstar101 19
'Aye gurl, you like camping? Cause you just pitched mah' tent
Applesarefum 9
crap, sorry 33, I meant to hit thumbs down.
rockne93 17
LOL @ 44
wallandpiece 16
Haha. Rape. Hilarious.
13ky13 20
"Are you from Tennessee, because lets ****. "
mansen 15
The absolute worst pick up line that I actually saw work at a bar, " Nice shoes, wanna ****?". I cannot attest to how drunk the girl was, but I am assuming, very.
jazzy_123 20
it's a little late to say this but it's a good one: "if your left leg is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays" lol.
RedPillSucks 33
Damn. Ima right this shit down...
mansen 15
ooh! I remember another awful one! "is your father Satan? Because you are one hot little devil", *groan*
gmian 34
76- That pickup line is actually from a Jenna Marbles video! If both parties get the reference, it might actually work.
PenguinForDinner 16
"Yo, can I queef on your kisser under the mistletoe?"
Kyuzomi 12
That is disgusting...
Raidriar 14
What the hell? I'm pretty sure I just vomited a little.
jennababe98 9
Did he hold up a mistletoe after he said that?
DavidKnows 11
I have a mistletoe belt buckle!
Not_Impressed13 9
I wanna get a matching set of those for my girlfriend and I! ;-)
mccrightp 29
I've never understood the point of saying something like that. What are you supposed to say?
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
No is probably a good place to start.
mccrightp 29
Yes indeed, lol! I was thinking, "what else beside no would you say?"
bleeping 5
What!?! No please?
isallwaysme 27
Classy
kayrose10 10
"if I can kick your dick"