Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husband's rather rattling snoring, I finally managed to drop off… only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML
Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML
Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML
Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party at our house. At the end, my husband passed out, so his best friend and I carried him to bed. His best friend is stupidly hot and I get horny when I'm drunk, so on a whim I made a pass at him. He shut me down and later told my husband. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML
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Top comments
emeraldarcher74 30
If that isn't true love, I don't know what is.
roaf 13
When a hand isn't enough so you need a leg
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Comments (35)
qteabutt 12
Sounds like he turns into a dog when he's drunk.
teyyoshi 19
wow，doggie style？
kutkutkut 8
Nobody's getting anything.
_EnderDoge 22
"I hope you mean EX-Husband!"
trucker2 33
Stop bragging OP it's inconsiderate to the people who don't get no action at all.
interesting33 37
HOW can they get away with making people work 24 our shifts?
limeychefboy 15
Pretty sure a 24 hour shift is illegal outside of slavery
juuuliaaa_fml 28
What job are you doing that has 24 hour shifts?!
Zellient 11
Sounds like puppy love
Birdie27 11
Firefighters work 24 hour shifts where I live. They can sleep at the station if its a slow night, but sometimes they are too busy.
PenguinsLaugh 24
ER doctors and nurses also work 24 hr shifts in many places.
traumajunkie2519 7
Paramedics work 48 and 72 hour shifts