Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
OP: "Oh my manhood! My womb raider! My baby-maker custard launcher! " Girlfriend: "It's a penis. "
Tripartita 45
"Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff" Ah, yes, an erection. "… cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen." Ah, yes, so still an erection.
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Comments (27)
crudeandrudeguy 29
Some people pay good money for that type of special attention
Ashamed_Sister 60
And many man would pay a fortune to get what OP’s username says: 2 inch longer!
Welshite 40
OP: "Oh my manhood! My womb raider! My baby-maker custard launcher! " Girlfriend: "It's a penis. "
ThrottleJockey 36
My people mushroom-headed yogurt slinger!
Tripartita 45
"Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff" Ah, yes, an erection. "… cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen." Ah, yes, so still an erection.
Emma1562 35
Have her kiss it to make it feel better.
Qandol 26
How Small it is that she didn't noticed it while pulling the blanket?
2simz 25
It was a layer of blankets, not just one
RichardPencil 32
What a dick move!
Dtcnationz 6
Is too late to say that your girlfriend made a ballsy decision? You know what nvm it wasn't like she was dicking around or anything like that..
Emma1562 35
That was a ballsy move using that many puns bro.
GhostFox 34
As unpleasant as it will probably be- ice and heat.
socialproduct 19
But don't use Icy Hot! Learned that lesson the hard way.
GhostFox 34
Well THAT thought made me cringe. Especially since the damn stuff gives me burns to begin with. (I have absurdly sensitive skin.) But seriously, ice if you can tolerate will help bring down swelling and numb the pain, heat will speed up the redistribution of fluid that cause swelling. And you probably wouldn't feel up to it anyway, but no sex- if somethings injured in any substantial way, it'll probably make things worse. If your penis is severely bruised and swollen- as in black and blue- and you feel or hear crackling or popping, get to the ER because you may have a fractured or broken dick.
jessicasoho 13
Sometimes you think it's a hand job, but eventually you'll anticipate a girl just wants some more covers. Try getting slapped by your sleeping partner lol. Sleeping can be violent sometimes lol. Hope it gets better.
mrBearBear 11
Just say penis.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
That has nothing to do with this FML OP, #14 just wants to hear you say it.