Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML
Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
CheeseTron 15
Don't listen to her. More pussy is always the answer.
nelds 12
Why not have both?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (65)
Riya2595 15
Hahaha :)
Brool_Story_Co 17
This looks like a lame attempt to be the first comment. Please try to comment something more imaginative than "hahaha :)" in the future.
Riya2595 15
I was laughing :)
SonOfAMitch 14
*facedesk*
boating_guy 33
Sounds to me like she doesn't want you to grow old an be a lonely cat woman.
boating_guy 33
Edit: sorry for the redundancy...1 beat me to it lol
ChocolateScyther 19
well #1 doesn't exist anymore so you came back on top
Wreckless_fml 6
Nothing wrong with kittens.
DinoDropns 1
Nothing wrong with a dick in her either!!!
mystashisgone 6
You're so unlucky that if it were raining pussy you would get hit in the face with a dick. Or maybe for you it's the other way around. I'm a guy so sometimes it's difficult to take my life lessons and turn then around for females...
36591951 9
Not till they transform into those stupid cats
Dr0reos 8
Don't we all OP, don't we all?
nelds 12
Why not have both?
Dixbfloppin 11
Getting cat dick inside of her? But cats are *******. Quite the paradox, if you ask me.
BunchieRules 31
12 - According to a thread on another FML, the male cat has spikes on the penis. Ouch.
tripp169 5
why not Zoidberg
RussianFox 13
30- That explains why only masochists go out me.
gc327072 31
Like the taco commercial "porque no los dos?" ....... Hooray!
CheeseTron 15
Don't listen to her. More pussy is always the answer.
PinkieKeen 20
Cats swerve you to the road of 'Mad Cat Lady'.
OuchAndGoodfight 5
Kittens will actually help you with that. It's been statistically been proven.
stevenJB 25
Comment matches profile pic :3
tayza249 20
Will you still think it's so cute when it's an adult? I hate when people get pets just because they're cute as babies.. they never want them when they're older
dead247 13
psh. I love my cat even if she is def and going crazy.
zingline89 18
Yes. Nobody wants them once they get old. I can't tell you how many 6 month old puppies I've thrown in the garbage because they were just getting too darn old.
Grimmerie 31
I just keep getting baby bunnies. You can cook 'em when you're finished with the little bastards.
SerendipityRose 26
I don't know why you're getting down voted. This is a serious issue. Our first kitty was a victim of this kind of callous behavior. We found him 3 days before our wedding in my In-Law's neighborhood. He was skin & bones & very skittish. The vet said that it was obvious he'd had a home (albeit a terrible one) until a week or 2 beforehand & told us the statistics of cats around his age just being dumped because they aren't kittens anymore. It's heartbreaking... I'm not saying this is the case with OP, as it just seemed to be a ploy to soften her roommate to the idea, but it is a real issue.
KunoKanashimi 3
My cat is fully grown and a huge asshole, but I still love him and think he's adorable.
outstandtacular 11
My adult cat is fabulous.
36591951 9
39 - how the hell can a cat turn into an asshole?
Welshite 40
#44: Refer to your picture and you will get your answer.
RedPillSucks 33
I love cats, but I can only eat just one.
KagamineLen_fml 0
Just like your mom. She loved you as a kid but now that you're older, she didn't want you.
hwkfan1 10
Sounds like a predickament OP
ilovefall10 21
Don't listen to her OP! She just sounds like a bitch. It isn't the fact that she dislike kittens, it's the fact that she thinks that it's any of her business about your sex life. If I was your flatmate, I would of agreed with the kitten!
WearingHats 14
What did the kitten say that you agree with?