Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML
Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML
Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML
Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML
Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML
Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML
Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML
Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML
Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML
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Top comments
dacho 7
Petting your pussy?
mintcar 10
So? Just explain.
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Comments (111)
iliketocomment17 7
why didn't you loft up the blanket
pooper19 3
play with pussy good pussy
imcutefml 0
^ win
lm27 5
well you WERE petting your pussy weren't you?
hannah1203 2
8=MAJOR WIN. Either way, you would've been petting a pussy that had wild, messy hair and need to be tamed.
warpig182 0
A touched pussy is a happy pussy.
warpig182 0
A touched pussy is a happy pussy.
megamandude455 10
^*^^^^^ major ******* win!! 49 wins!!!
Agiggleaday 0
your default pic distyrbs me on so many lvls
thecrazyasian 3
kitten=pussy
laney007 0
"It's not what you think! I'm petting my pussy!" ... ;D
Herropreez17 0
Damnit you beat me to it...
xSonic 9
94 - That's good because these damn pussy jokes are so old
hellryu 20
p
iheartowls 0
I bet you were playing with yourself, OP.
YaLubluTebya 0
haha i second that
hotair10 9
haha, I third that :P
theian01 3
Playing with her pussy!
WallyTheWombat 0
Why would OP's roommate get mad if he's playing with himself in his own room? She should be knocking first. or I guess YDI for jerking it in the kitchen.
nathan5 0
well, it was a good cover story..
Bloodberry 0
I bet it's the same pussy that wanted to touch op
Icyyy 0
I fourth that
mintcar 10
So? Just explain.
morella_xx 29
Exactly this. You explain the cat's sitting under there, you both laugh, no more awkwardness. Why is that so hard?
djoe_fml 0
that's what ended up happening! so now we've got a bit of a joke going though
tookietookie123 5
It's fun to rub your pussy!
bittersweet1 0
lift up the blanket?
DustyRusty 0
wats ur name and I gotta tell u ur pretty hot
Superstitious 6
Lol not a dating site, good sir
dacho 7
Petting your pussy?
xshadyshadow 0
lol, you beat me to it!
ButteryassTravis 0
DAMN beat me to it also :P
UsaTrackstar 0
lame ass fml's
Cinn_fml 23
Again; just explain or show her the kitten.
nathan5 0
another great comment from captain obvious herself!
hoco1286 0
agree w ^
Cinn_fml 23
Oh, so what? I leave the obvious euphamisms to other people. It's not like any of you three said anything useful in this thread.
innerexlet 0
that's mean considering the firs one was supporting you. it's not like people hate your comments, this one was just an increadibly obious answer.
jose1760 1
I hate her comments!
Cinn_fml 23
It was in a tired kind of way that means I've dealt with one too many trolls, innerexlet. I see you've now met Jose, he's a regular. There's a few others I could mention... However it was the 'lol. want an award' at the end that made me think the rest was sarcastic. I apologise zmeiler, if that wasn't the case. But I wasn't really intending to get at people, just make a point that it didn't matter if I was stating the obvious.
nathan5 0
if something not worth saying dont say it at all, most of your comments are the same...
Icyyy 0
I'm going to get a cat and name it Myself "I'm going to feed Myself" "Myself peed all over the carpet" "I'm going to play with myself" The possibilities are endless
Cinn_fml 23
Heehee, good one Icyyy. Nathan, there are a lot more pointless comments before mine. This one might well have been one of my more pointless, but is it really that big a deal?
nathan5 0
nah its not tbh, just felt like making the point...
chloe2114 4
no one likes u Cinn, that's all I have to say.
emodude44 0
I've got nothing against Cinn. I don't see why shes your problem either. Why not let her make her comments and get on with her life while you make your comments and live out your life at a minimum wage job while living out of your parents basement and blowing all your pennies on cheap hookers who will only ever love you when you pay.
Cinn_fml 23
How did I miss Chloe's comment? Darn comment bug *shakey fist* Just because you don't like me, Chloe, doesn't mean everyone hates me. There's 6 billion people on this planet, I didn't know all of them had opinions about me. Or that you'd met them all to ask. Now go back to being your 'bubbly, looking for fun' self rather than bugging me.
InnDepth 0
3Some with the cat??
theporkchop 0
wow, I like that color blue. how'd you do that?
pardonski 0
nice
lovely_asian 0
just tell your roomate you're petting your pussy :) problem solved :p haha jk
DarkHelmet 10
You should have gave her one back and said "What!!! I'm just playin with my pussy"
reeree1234 0
that's not gross, that's hot