Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking. I jokingly stated, "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out, "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML
Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML
Today, ten years after getting my college girlfriend pregnant and leaving because I wasn't ready, I reached out to her and told her I'm ready to be a father. Apparently my son "already has a father in his life" and "doesn't need me." She laughed at me when I threatened to sue for custody, and hung up. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML
Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, we saw a woman with two out-of-control children. As we walked away, my husband said to me, “Disgusting, I’m glad we’re never having children.” News to me, he'd always said he wanted a kid before we married. An uncomfortable conversation is imminent, damn it. FML
Today, I've hated being a parent ever since I was baby-trapped at 17, but I stuck through it and never let my son suspect how I really felt, and we have a great relationship now he’s an adult. Well he just moved out yesterday, and today my wife told me she’s pregnant. Here we fucking go again. FML
Today, I called my ex and told him I was pregnant with his child. He was thrilled, going on and on about how much he wanted to be a dad. I had to tell him I was going to abort it. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
RedPillSucks 33
Apparently you forgot to include God in your "one night stand"
FFML_314 12
Yes, let's irresponsibly have sex with strange women, give them a false number and bring countless bastard children into the world. Grow up. Women don't find that attractive. Slime balls.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (342)
perdix 31
Great, now you are going to produce children that ruin it for everyone else. With such a great attitude about fatherhood, we can expect your spawn to include serial killers and crack ******. Ay-oh, way to go, Ohio!
5t3ff1k4h 47
...And how do you know they're a high school drop out? Also, WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THIS?
RedPillSucks 33
That's thinking with your dip stick, dip shit.
5t3ff1k4h 47
That's a horrifying image... Thanks for using 'dipstick' and 'dipshit' in the same sentence. :P
DROELOELULZ 0
fake, too gd 2 be true, cu
yutsnme 0
that is the cutest profile picture ever!!!
PirateGirl12 11
I have never understood the concept of one night stands for this very reason. remind me why I should have any sympathy for u. u ass
arhanes 0
how is he an ass? are you blaming the girl as well? it takes at least two people to have a one night stand
seahorses4eva 4
Haha, funniest example of every day irony that I've heard in a while. This is God's way of having a sense of humor. You're saying FML, and He's saying, 'timed that perfectly!' and giving Jesus a high five.
sipher16 0
lol win
boomstick 0
Good job not wearing a condom, you ******* idiot.
sipher16 0
karma's a bitch and then you marry one lol jk on the last bit but karma is a total bitch
arhanes 0
sounds fake
someone234 5
to #81 OMDzz shutup!
arhanes 0
how but you shut your mouth someone. was just expressing an opinion. it seems rather coincidental that they got a call about this just as they were talking about how they hate kids. I know people make up fmls and it's stupid
Mamabeth 0
She's probably a ***** and the baby probably isn't yours.