Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML
Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML
Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML
Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML
Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML
Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML
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Top comments
DanielleinDC 34
Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)
RichardPencil 32
****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.
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Comments (36)
Sam Fisher 13
Even I (a male like op’s bf) knew toothpaste + genitalia = excruciating pain from the mint farms of hell. Mind you, I learned a different way than y’all did, but I was much younger and solo 😂😅😓
Sam Fisher 13
And FYI grammar nazis, I realized too late that I should’ve said “knows” instead of “knew” but idk how to edit a comment short of deleting it and recommenting, I decided to just do this. And I also wish to say hi to everyone of FML that ends up reading my comments!
wHSKitty 11
Ok, inquiring minds minds want to know, what did you do when you were younger?
Davros 12
Thank god it wasn't taco Tuesday.
PhoenixChick 26
I think it was, but he wasn't hungry for tacos and that was the problem.
PhoenixChick 26
I think it was, but he wasn't hungry for tacos and that was the problem.
PhoenixChick 26
Guys everywhere: it's a ******, not a garbage disposal. You don't just chuck whatever you have laying around in there and hope the thing doesn't break.
Ilmoran 20
So you mean I shouldn't try using a chicken bone as a *****?
Davros 12
Sounds like a douche commercial. Mom and daughter walking on the beach. " Sometimes I don't have that minty feeling down there" "Well here, try Crest...."
ProperPengTing 15
Shouldve waited for the bells 🤣
ProperPengTing 15
🤣🤣🤣 shouldve waited for the bells
Xavier K. Valdez 8
Whatta jackass! lol