Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML
Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML
Today, my day started with me peeing in my own face. My eye still burns. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML
Today, I discovered that, while not exactly probable, you can get pimples on your eyes that are only visible when you close said eye. I get them in all sorts of weird and uncomfortable places, but this takes the cake. How is that even possible? FML
Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML
Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, I tried to discreetly smell a carton of milk to see if it had gone bad. I squeezed it a little too hard and it sprayed directly into my face. My roommate walked into the kitchen at that exact moment, then silently walked back out. FML
Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye. You’re welcome in advance!
katluvr 22
When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "
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Comments (10)
Madrias 36
Bullseye!
Lobby_Bee 18
The same reason why people don't check if their muzzle is clear by looking in it.
RichardPencil 32
Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye. You’re welcome in advance!
katluvr 22
When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "
RichardPencil 32
Sounds like the text of the least sexy boob tattoo ever!
Joshua Hutcheson 5
Protip: Your baby will more than likely scratch their sensitive face with their razor nails. Put breastmilk on it and it will heal faster.
tacosaurus121314 6
it's also good for cradle cap! And dry skin in general
Takegami 22
Glad I'm not a woman
tonyfan00 38
Someone, somewhere, has discovered that this is their fetish.
bltoth 8
They must be perky.! Safety goggles next time.