Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML
Today, as I hadn’t showered yet, I told my boyfriend not to go down on me in case it smelled "down there." We started kissing instead, but he made a "blech" face, then went down on me anyway. Apparently my morning breath was worse than unwashed crotch. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said, "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML
Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Akitakat 31
Return the favor & see if he is still laughing?
WeirdUS 30
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (18)
Akitakat 31
Return the favor & see if he is still laughing?
PennyLane27 32
You're an evil genius.
Demon_of_Light 27
No offense meant, but it doesn't take that much creativity or genius to do to someone else the exact thing that was done to you.
RichardPencil 32
At least he’s paying lip service to oral hygiene.
Lobby_Bee 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Maybe because you could use a little refreshments down below but your boyfriend didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that.
PennyLane27 32
Maybe, but it really does just sound like some ill-advice one dude would tell his buddy.
Rabite 28
Well, shower sex would have been a better idea then.
Snookie_852198958 8
Maybe he was trying to kill bad germs
WeirdUS 30
lexos 16
Eat some spicy food before you give him a ********
RichardPencil 32
He’s clitorally the worst boyfriend ever!
labiapatrol 8
I didn't know cosmopolitan had expanded their target group to men..
samomaha 17
I'm sorry, OP. Similar thing happened to friends of mine on their honeymoon. They became amorous in the middle of the night, and he accidentally grabbed some Vicks Vap-O-Rub instead of Vaseline, and smeared it all over her privates. She said she spent what seemed like hours with her legs up the bathtub wall, letting the cold water run into her!
zurc 9
cut up some jalapenos rub some on a small part of your hand before foreplay ?