Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML
Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, at a fancy date, my boyfriend said he forgot his wallet. I was instantly furious, threw a drink in his face, and yelled that he was a no-good, tiny-dicked broke loser. Dripping wine, he then said, "…but I can still pay with my phone. You didn't let me finish." FML
Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML
Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML
Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML
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Top comments
Supahnova 14
Asscandle? I must brush up on my insults.
newbiehere99 6
asscandle Ignition of the inner anus caused by methane gas, and a struck match. Urbandictionary.com
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Comments (121)
Kiki242 19
Alcohol can be one helluva drug.
Metallica36176 16
Apparently he thought that just because he knew/dated you he could take advantage of the fact that you wouldnt cut him off. Congratulations on sticking to your guns. I know sometimes it can be hard to deny selling it to drunk people and it can get messy but look at it this way: you could be saving a life by preventing him being over the legal limit and driving.
goldens_fml 12
I like how you used "was" anyhoo sorry OP.
osm1989_fml 6
Belligerent: origin 1570-1580. Please explain how this is "modern" vocab. Modern vocab, in my mind, would be something along the lines of: "Lyk omg i just brushd mah hare lol."
mattscott 5
Asscandle. I'm using that.
bookworm713 14
I think I'm going to be using the term asscandle more often.
gracehi 33
Alan, while I hate to correct a moderator, I think she was referring to OP's use of the word "ass candle." I know I'VE never heard it before, anyway.
pradip 26
46 I think she meant asscandle as modern vocab not belligerent.
Sanrio90 8
At least you dumped him. And DON'T take him back. Nothing he says after that, no matter how sweet, is worth tolerating this type of shit.
gracehi 33
*he. Oops. Do I make up for correcting you by correcting myself?