Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML
Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, at a fancy date, my boyfriend said he forgot his wallet. I was instantly furious, threw a drink in his face, and yelled that he was a no-good, tiny-dicked broke loser. Dripping wine, he then said, "…but I can still pay with my phone. You didn't let me finish." FML
Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML
Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML
Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML
Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML
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Top comments
Supahnova 14
Asscandle? I must brush up on my insults.
newbiehere99 6
asscandle Ignition of the inner anus caused by methane gas, and a struck match. Urbandictionary.com
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Comments (121)
Supahnova 14
Asscandle? I must brush up on my insults.
manlaw1 3
Just think about that word literally for a second...
newbiehere99 6
asscandle Ignition of the inner anus caused by methane gas, and a struck match. Urbandictionary.com
jamalamadingdong 18
I think you can just add any word to ass, and it becomes an insult.
LolPieRofl 11
Asshat, asspotato, asscow
DracoSpirita 21
Asscurtain. Nope, doesn't work for all words. Unfortunately.
Schizomaniac 24
Asscurtain definitely works.
Corrupt_waffles 13
Asshat is my favorite and I use it all the time. It also throws people off when you yell at them that they are a ******. c:
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Assnipples?
tsent8 15
Linda makes me wonder if its possible.
babalooisbabaloo 5
Not if you add sexy in front of it..(;
Airman1988 9
When I seen "asscandle" I assumed it meant he "lit" the way for other assholes kinda like he is such an ass that other jerks can be enlightened on how to be greater assholes from him.
tjv3 10
That really shows how much he disrespects you to do that at your place of employment. I would say YDI if you stay with him
KindaFunnyRight 8
99- How the hell did that relate to the comment you replied to? Please stop comment clinging
Snoopy0718 14
99 if you read her username it says Ex on there
afairshake 8
Made me laugh at the name
maniaccy 8
That's a good one
stellasue11 38
haha i thought that was funny too... asscandle, nice!
stewpididiot 11
Wow!! Same here... That's a new one
kyliebear 15
You might want to brush up on your "click the reply button" skills before that.
BlowinChronic 18
Yeah you stewpididiot.
EvilPotato 15
2 living up to your name I see.
ICastillo 25
He is a pussy and can't handle his drinking. Man liquid courage gets the best of us sometimes I guess
DocBastard 40
Man liquid? You mean semen? Uh, I guess that gets the best of SOME of us sometimes...
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Must be all the testosterone.
damn_homie 2
38- it wasn't "man liquid" it was "liquid courage"
Nilla_Please 12
I hate to say this doc but you miss-read his comment. The guy above me shouldn't have been thumbed down.
fromthesuck 8
He's obviously had enough anyway if he's willing to waste the last of it on someone else's face.
DocBastard 40
Nilla - I didn't misread it. I made a joke based on his lack of punctuation. And now that I pointed it out, the joke is dead. RIP, joke. :(
unknown_user5566 27
Doc, if it helps, I understood your joke. I saw it as a clever example of why grammar does matter on FML, despite the popular belief "dat dys isnt english class gawd lolol".
ICastillo 25
Yeah. My bad there chief, I didn't notice it until after it was to late. And I was working so I didn't get to reply in time. But I understood the joke it was a good one.
caity_pie 12
Commas, they can change the whole meaning of a sentence!
ICastillo 25
Yeah, it could be the difference between: Helping your uncle jack off the horse and Helping your Uncle Jack, off the horse.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
I tried to keep Doc's joke running, but, shit, some pedant just strangled any life that was left from it.
RocketNinjaFish 12
Yeah, punctuation is always important. For example, Let's eat, children. Or Let's eat children.
sens3sfailing 25
103- why would we ever need the first one? Feed us fetus! I'll take mine medium rare!
ranko77 1
I'm confused! I've voted thumbs up many times but the end result is always a thumbs down? Am I not doing it right?
FlyingPie 17
Asscandle is new to me too..
manlaw1 3
Heheh
manlaw1 3
^^^ Ignore that comment please, I ****** up
KiddNYC1O 22
Quiet, asscandle!
manlaw1 3
Yeah, dump the alcoholic bastard.
TurquoiseJesus 15
According to the name, the alcoholic bastard has already been dumped.
manlaw1 3
Heheh, I missed that part. My bad
perdix 31
I'm putting in "I hope you mean ex-boyfriend" in the hope that no more space will be wasted with this obvious and cliche comment. Sorry for wasting the space explaining how I was trying to avoid wasting space. Sorry for wasting space apologizing for wasting space trying to avoid wasting space . . .
mpsteve137 15
Yeah thumb me down lala. But why are you famous on fml perdix? Did you do something I don't know about like help program this site? Everyone talks about your comments like they're golden.
ManInTheMachine 20
He's the 'oldest' member on this site. Age becomes him.
perdix 31
#11, it's because I've made a buttload of comments and I have managed to accidentally make a few good ones. Luckily, some people selectively remember only those few and think highly of me ;)
manlaw1 3
Perdix, I remember seeing some FML's where your comment almost had as many thumbs up as the FML itself.
ManInTheMachine 20
Okay, quick poll: which commenters do you guys consider "famous", and why?
manlaw1 3
Perdix, Docbastard, and Noor The reason they're famous is pretty much the only way to get famous on FML, by posting clever/funny comments.
mpsteve137 15
Ah i see. Well that makes sense. Yea all the comments of yours I've come across I've found to be pretty witty. Let's hope this one does good. You have my thumb.
Shenanigans9 8
KaySL, boners, iicaptain, doc
lindora 35
I think it also depends on how often you comment. I mean I recognize your name and sometimes I recognize profile pics of fml users . If someone posts 15,000 comments, you're bound to create some popularity.
Metallica36176 16
11: His comments, along with DocBastard, ManInTheMachine, Noor, and SqueakyChipmonk, (among others) (sorry if got that wrong) gets me every time. They've been on here for awhile and their comments always are funny.
gracehi 33
Perdix, sorry to burst your bubble, but in this case your comment was indeed a waste of space. Check the user name. But you were at least a little more original than simply writing, "I hope you mean ex-boyfriend." I hereby give you an "A" for effort. :)
tacojauns 45
her name is FMyEx
Metallica36176 16
No offense 52.....but your comment was too....it really had nothing to do with nothing. And if you really want to get technical, my comment is too haha xD
gracehi 33
What do you mean? I was replying to Perdix's original comment. Unless you mean that replying to an irrelevant comment makes for an irreverent reply, then I guess that makes sense.
gracehi 33
*Irrelevant reply. But I guess criticizing Perdix's comment is irreverent too...
the_smart_way 10
I once saw a comment made by Perdix on artoftrolling.com Something about "well I guess he'll be missing the wedding you should of had too" Congratulations Perdix, your influence spreads!
aardvarkish 17
The only reason I log back in is to see what Perdix has said recently. I wouldn't be surprised to see his expressions in a book of quotable urban quotes some day.
Schizomaniac 24
Sweet_Candy_ is on your list of intelligent commenters. Your argument is invalid.
abrookec2011 14
I wish I had been around for the Perdix Era.
CallmeRyuzaki 0
"Belligerent"-being hostile and aggressive.
ManInTheMachine 20
Thank you for the definition. I'm sure we wouldn't have known that without you.
loloalltheway 23
8- Well I didn't know, not everyone on this site is a native English speaker... But I could have looked it up myself but thanks anyways #7!
astralvagan 20
Sounds like he's an ex now.... Don't be upset that it happened. You could have lost your job and much worse.... Good for you!
Rosie_Posie43 12
Merp.
guemarez 9
I hope you mean " soon to be EX- boyfriend"