Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML
Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML
Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML
Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
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Top comments
Hannah_fml 0
You have a GREAT mum!
FunWriter20 0
Lol, that's hilarious and brutal. But maybe she wasn't being mean. Maybe she means girlfriends just add stress, because you'd have to get brave and ask one out, figure out nice dates and whatnot.
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Comments (37)
ninjb 0
Wow! My mom is SO different than yours!
Hockeylover87_71 0
hmmmm, you sound like a hottie ;)
Hockeylover87_71 0
wait....nevermind
nvandiver123 1
anti-work? nice word choice
CaptaiNiLL 0
mum ftw
CaptaiNiLL 0
pretend u hav a stomach ache and pretend ur takin a long dump
monkeykiller77 0
holy shit that's what I do
SaRah_In_LoVe 0
lol your dad makes it sound like you should get a girlfriend to beat her.
slimjadee8080 0
whenever my man is stressed his 4 year old brother says to him 'get (insert name here) to blow your tummy up with your peepee, that always makes you happy' :/
slimjadee8080 0
whenever my man is stressed his 4 year old brother says to him 'get (insert name here) to blow your tummy up with your peepee, that always makes you happy' :/