Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML
Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML
Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML
Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "Maybe he left you for someone else." FML
Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML
Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened, I slipped and fell in the shower, and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered, "Well, she's masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!" FML
Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML
Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML
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Top comments
strawberrywine22 30
If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.
ballbearing 10
Your mom is right.
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Comments (94)
Starcatch77 20
Great Mom.
ballbearing 10
Your mom is right.
strawberrywine22 30
If singing along to Adele is your way of grieving over your lost relationship, I'm with your mother. Maybe you should stick to boyfriends that require AA batteries.
skoob1 12
Yes, because an alcoholic anonymous meeting is definitely a great place to find a keeper. At least they're trying!
spaboolly 26
49- If your attempts at jokes leave people thinking "What the hell is this guy talking about?" then you should probably work on your humor.
sens3sfailing 25
I think most people will understand the joke, being that it isnt very clever at all. it just sucks.
Quidikic 9
Yes, quite. Your creativity with said initialism is oh so clever.
ScaryyMary 14
Your mom is ridiculous. Vibrators can't buy you presents or dinner.
ElatedEarthling 15
But boyfriends can't vibrate...
ScaryyMary 14
Solution: date a robot.
ElatedEarthling 15
Or someone with sex-induced epilepsy.
LilRob58 5
Some of us can vibrate.....
Quidikic 9
53- Yeah, what if we would spend an hour in a freezer before sex? Hint hint, ladies.
zandalee 20
...depends on how frozen solid the member is.
Kal3Y 12
Maybe she was trying to help with some tough love? Either way, sorry OP:(
tomhofer 14
We could of had it alllllllllll rolling in the deeeeeeeeeeppppp
ScaryyMary 14
I always wondered what that song meant...
sarbear293 4
Well, maybe she's right
Coop817 19
Nothing beats advise from the wise
Coop817 19
*Advice Wow
theycallmekitty 13
Tell her you can't use your mouth on yourself.
Ohitsariel 25
That's probably not something you should say to your mother....
zandalee 20
Sounds like a pretty cool Mum to me. Vibrators don't argue, never leave the loo seat up, never hog the remote, can be extremely flexible, ;) and never tell you your bum looks big. Get one!
ScaryyMary 14
Yeah, but you try to take one into a movie theatre with you and all of a sudden you're a pervert.
redbluegreen 41
Maybe we're going to the wrong theaters, Mary.
ScaryyMary 14
Pee Wee Herman WAS my childhood hero, after all...
zandalee 20
...Hey I just discovered another way to use a vibrator! Turn it on, put it between the mattress and the base - instant vibrating bed! Very soothing. Of course it does help to have a vibrator with industrial strength and durability...
redbluegreen 41
You could always invest in Magic Fingers. I hear there's still a few out there.