Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband whined that our sex life is terrible. I agree. I wish he'd stop killing the mood with crappy pickup lines and crude innuendos every time I act even slightly receptive towards him. It's like he turns into a 14 year-old the second I kiss him. FML
Today, my wife asked why I was so grumpy. I admitted that I was horny and sexually frustrated. She went on an hour long tirade about how I "shouldn't need sex to not be a jerk" and how I need to handle my own needs. FML
Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML
Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML
Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML
Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
Today, my husband was giving marriage advice to a friend, while I eavesdropped. I heard, "You want more sex? Let her see you flirting with other girls. Sophia sees me tease a cashier or some shit, the second we get home, she's putting on sexy lingerie and fucking my brains out. It's magic." FML
Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
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Top comments
Jemm_fml 29
Offended? be grateful! He actually cares about cheering you up and in the best way ever!
happylawyer 16
I like the fact that he went around your grumpiness instead of going around the neighborhood. So, YDI.
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Comments (88)
katties 27
YDI! You get grumpy even because he has found away to cheer you up! Why do you care what it is, as long it works -_- I'd be really happy to be cheered up in such a lovely way!
DarthVader77 9
Shagging a grimpy one... No, thanks. Did it, have had enough of it. Right hand is way better.
dryersheet 11
Poor you, getting laid.
gracelace 3
Why is that annoying? Sounds like a good thing to me!
Tidus0 17
Don't be, even though he highly benefits from it he is still doing it for you and to cheer you up :) plus could be worse you could be grumpy wife who comes across his condom stash when you don't use condoms.
amifaiyaz 12
exactly how is this an fml? Be happy he uses sex to cheer your grumpy ass up, and doesn't look around.
djinnyf 12
YOU have got a KEEPER!!!! ;)
Axipiter 24
13, did they let you out of the army after you died? Obviously the crossdressing didn't work.
Steffi 26
My thoughts exactly :D.
Steffi 26
That sounds like a good thing to me. 'Sounds like you need some cheering up ;).