Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband whined that our sex life is terrible. I agree. I wish he'd stop killing the mood with crappy pickup lines and crude innuendos every time I act even slightly receptive towards him. It's like he turns into a 14 year-old the second I kiss him. FML
Today, my wife asked why I was so grumpy. I admitted that I was horny and sexually frustrated. She went on an hour long tirade about how I "shouldn't need sex to not be a jerk" and how I need to handle my own needs. FML
Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML
Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML
Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML
Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
Today, my husband was giving marriage advice to a friend, while I eavesdropped. I heard, "You want more sex? Let her see you flirting with other girls. Sophia sees me tease a cashier or some shit, the second we get home, she's putting on sexy lingerie and fucking my brains out. It's magic." FML
Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
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Top comments
Jemm_fml 29
Offended? be grateful! He actually cares about cheering you up and in the best way ever!
happylawyer 16
I like the fact that he went around your grumpiness instead of going around the neighborhood. So, YDI.
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Comments (88)
Smashhoof 15
Freshpie - I've counted at least 2 of your comments that have to do with having sex with cats.
furbyface711 9
I don't get why you would be annoyed. He notices you are in a bad mood and gives you sex to make you feel better. He's being thoughtful.
crackan_fml 3
Uh oh, looks like somebody's grumpy...
popaacxx 10
Well, should you be happy that the sex was great? Obviously if you felt better after the sex then he must f done real good. Lol
MooseKnuckle5150 13
Suddenly all I can think of is Dory saying "Hey there Mr. Grumpy Gills... Ya know what I do.... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
fatlemonjefferso 8
Grow up. Be happy his grumpy wife sex isn't him boinking someone on the side! YDI
NoFlippinWai 24
well, if it recures it must be true.
Kar98 6
Sounds like it's time for some grumpy wife sex.
kevingirl 6
I actually think that's kinda cute on his part and I have no idea why you're so bent.