Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML
Today, I found out my dad goes to therapy. Confused, I asked him what was going on. He said, "You" without any hesitation. I don't know if he's joking or not. If he is, I don't find that very funny. If he's not, I don't even know what I've done. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML
Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML
Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML
Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML
Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML
Today, a misunderstanding led to me falsely accusing my husband of cheating. We cleared it up and he forgave me and everything, but my parents are still convinced that he cheated, and won't believe me when I say he wasn't. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
JasonUMN 15
Well, do you have a problem with it?
Nordrag 26
Egg his car. Reply the same way. Wait for results. (Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (73)
FlyingPie 17
Sounda like your dad isn't all he's cracked up to be.
buckdharma 38
The answer to a age old dilemma, what came first the chicken or the egg? My theory. The egg came first, the chicken was shopping. You got a ******* problem with that?
Brilliant66star 17
Your dad's a real piece of work, whether he did it or not..! I hope you'll remember this and be kinder and gentler with your own kids' psyches. Meanwhile, I hope he'll remember who's looking after him in his old age. FYL.
BelfastNuts 15
Ireland... Where else in the world would your da egg your house?
byron17 26
I was going to say don't be so discriminatory! but hen I saw you're from Belfast! Howdy Neighbourino!
byron17 26
***then
nightbirdblue 27
Well, sometimes you have to go overboard sarcastic to get sarcasm across.
biscuitninja 4
Hunting Camera should do the trick. PS... i think sugar in the gas tank would do GREAT! Either that or a paint solvent... MTBE, it dissolves the rubber and slowly erodes the plastic parts. Pretty insidious and evil for you car guys.
cass99 11
At least you know now that you don't have crazy or enemy neighbors?
just_someguy 6
just do the same thing but with somthing a little more psycho like a bag full of spiders
NightingaleAnne 5
That's terrifying yet intriguing. Can you even get a bag of spiders?