Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML
Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML
Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML
Today, my son asked his mom about sex, so she talked about love, marriage, God, affection and all that bollocks, missing the point that he wanted to know about having good sex since he has a girlfriend now, so I explained all the wet, squishy practical bits of sex. Now my wife is mad at me. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML
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Top comments
relaxedninja 18
What do you mean they rarely happen!!??! D:
ballettillidie 8
They rarely happen in YOUR world...
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Comments (137)
relaxedninja 18
What do you mean they rarely happen!!??! D:
AboveAll04 14
well if you really want one that bad you could just....idk...lower your standards significantly :)
cathyfang1533 12
Like masturbating with both of your hands, that should qualify for a threesome.
relaxedninja 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Lol I could careless about having one i was trying to be funny
ise3 10
You just killed your own joke.
lexi365 20
How could you OP? :'(
mfmylifesrsly 30
I might get thumbed down for this but #31 just because some people have threesomes doesnt mean they have low standards. Some couples are into having them often while others (like a few of my friends) are curious what they're like so they decide to try it out. My best friend and her boyfriend had their bithday party yesterday (their birthdays are a few days ago) and they're very much in love but decided since it was their birthday they wanted to spice it up for the night and try a threesome. It was pretty fun.
ImAFaker 29
76- Sounds like you were the third person
Shadowvoid 33
This is how i see the conversation. Dad walks in. "Son, **** is not real" Son: "you monster!"
angeluv_2014 22
83- She was. That's why she defending the standards of threesoming. She think she's too "pretty" to be considered a low standard.
luminos77 3
That's not what #31 meant.
Salimitis 8
My husband and I have have threesomes as well. We definitely don't lower our standards to have them. If the opportunity arises with the right person, we go for it.
patriciadusud_fml 8
It happens more than you think.... lots of girls are curious trying with another girl... and ask their boyfriend to try a threesome.... the girl is here more for the girl than for the boy.... and it is fun....
tjv3 10
They happen more than people think.
hugozac88 22
Lmao hi five
Pleonasm 36
The "Eiffel Tower" is like his unicorn.
zebramedic 10
Your comments always make my day :D
ballettillidie 8
They rarely happen in YOUR world...
ositoakaluis 16
Let me hear about your world ;) can you describe it to me;))
AestheticGuy 21
Lol at people thinking that threesomes never happen just because they've been in one. Good times.
FrankHotpants 31
Well eventually he would have realized that people spend more time trying to have sex then actually doing it.
perdix 31
Guys who cry don't end up in girl-guy-girl threesomes; they could be the "bitch" in a three-dude one.
bingbongbingbong 11
Are you speaking for your own experiences
SerendipityRose 26
Probably, Perdix seems to enjoy others whimpering...
NeDaroft 5
2 guys one girl = gay sex with a witness
BrotherPhil 35
or a spitroast.
AllegroRubato 16
#5 - I'm a guy, I cry and I've had girl-guy-girl threesomes. Sod off with your macho nonsense.
graceinsheepwear 34
#5, should we be calling you Lucky Pierre?
AzrielB 8
Are you serious? I didn't know people still gave people like you updated...
Bullshitname 4
The sooner he learns that the sooner he'll treat girls better and might get laid.
Silent_Thrill 17
You never know. It could be like a placebo effect. The sick patient believes the fake medicine is working, then it does./Op' son believes three-somes are common and will have one, then does. I know it sounds crazy but please don't crush my dreams too!
MerrikBarbarian 9
You've never gotten laid have you 26? :p
solarrunner 16
I am sorry but that statement is complete and utter rubbish!
Silent_Thrill 17
#81- And I agree. It of course was a joke, just not a very well executed one, I guess.
JasonUMN 15
Sure, next you will tell him Santa Claus isn't real.
ileenefudge 29
Or the tooth fairy, or the Easter bunny...
cathyfang1533 12
Listen Jason, there's no easy way to say this, but....
SleepWalken 5
WHAT!?!
kyniska79 0
What!? There's no Easter bunny? *cry*
SerendipityRose 26
Or that the three of them don't *enjoy* each others' company...
Omfgitsmia 15
How did that conversation even begin?
mario2012 18
Most likely she caught him looking at ****.
EmsyyyRose13 24
Maybe he walked in on his son watching ****.
DustyStorm 16
It looks like Dad is the one explaining this....as evidenced by the male emblem
ViviMage 40
Saw itemized charges on the cable bill?
myoukei 31
If he's old enough to be watching ****, he's old enough to set realistic dreams for his future. Threesomes do happen though, just not as often as in **** ^_
MerrikBarbarian 9
Yep, but they only happen to those mature enough to handle them and making sure everyone is on the same page with what they want or don't want to happen. You'd better be able to talk about sex realistically and maturely if you want a hope in hell of a threesome to happen outside of ****.
ShoyuSauceSoup 26
Actually, threesomes are very common. But people are too ashamed to talk about it.
ShoyuSauceSoup 26
I read an article about it last week. It says that 25 percent of the British people had at least one threesome.
Shrike 24
Bearing in mind that surveys aren't representative of the whole population, and that a lot of people naturally lie about stuff like that to seem cool, you can probably safely shave that figure down to about 5% or less.
ShoyuSauceSoup 26
Yeah, that is true. What I wanted to say is that threesomes are not that uncommon. It is not very common, but there are many people who try it, specially if you keep in mind that we live in a very sexual society.