Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML
Today, I found out my dad goes to therapy. Confused, I asked him what was going on. He said, "You" without any hesitation. I don't know if he's joking or not. If he is, I don't find that very funny. If he's not, I don't even know what I've done. FML
Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML
Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML
Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML
Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML
Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML
Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML
Today, a misunderstanding led to me falsely accusing my husband of cheating. We cleared it up and he forgave me and everything, but my parents are still convinced that he cheated, and won't believe me when I say he wasn't. FML
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Top comments
JasonUMN 15
Well, do you have a problem with it?
Nordrag 26
Egg his car. Reply the same way. Wait for results. (Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)
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Comments (73)
JasonUMN 15
Well, do you have a problem with it?
Jemm_fml 29
Omg, I'm the first reply to the first comment. I dunno what to say. HI MOM
Nordrag 26
I've had my house egged a few times recently and I can tell you that I'd have a huge ******* problem with it if it were my dad.
Ian7890 23
The question here though is, does his dad have a problem with him having a problem?
rg350dx 29
OP should have just said, "No, I don't have a problem with it." Then got naked, took out the eggs from his groceries he just bought and started breaking them all over his body while moaning. Problem solved.
Ian7890 23
#32 Why do I feel like you have no pride for your dignity?
biggestfan23 11
#38 why do I feel like you can't take a hilarious joke?
iammeorami 25
I would be egg-static if my dad told me that.
aidanrulz11 10
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That would be funny
newzealand 28
Well aren't irish men always drunk?
mario2012 18
Well, someone's a stereotyping dick.
oh_merde 11
I think his head is the one that's messed up
PulseShock 9
Or he's got a good sense of humor?
lopsop 12
Hey at least he's honest
Omfgitsmia 15
Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis whether he did it or not. Sorry op :/
michael666 7
you retarded?
Omfgitsmia 15
Um, what grown ass man takes the time and money to egg their grown ass child's house and then responds like that when only being told and not accused?
Nordrag 26
Egg his car. Reply the same way. Wait for results. (Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)
cathyfang1533 12
Why only egg? Why not include all the components of a healthy breakfast? I say OP eggs, pancakes, bacons, butters, sausages, and syrups his dad's car.
Nordrag 26
If its as hot there as it is here you could just throw the ingredients on the car and the sun would just cook it into a lovely breakfast for him.
bfsd42 20
Op is Irish. So a breakfast is sausage, rashers, eggs, black and white pudding, fried tomato and soda bread.
TheDrifter 24
Don't the Irish do sauteed/pan fried mushrooms? Breakfast isn't complete without mushrooms, you can keep the black and white pudding though.
da_directioner39 17
No, 22, not the bacon!
cathyfang1533 12
Yes the bacon, be smothered in layers of crispy, heart-attack inducing pork strips...man, what a way to go...
Zimmington 21
Eat the bacon just use bologna instead it'll rip the paint off on a hot day
myoukei 31
Show him that you do by TPing his house. Bam! Friendly prank war started.
Pleonasm 36
Whatever it is, you probably sholdn't egg him on at all, or else the yoke will be ok you. Although if he did, then it's not all-white; he needs to show a little more shell-f restraint.
theannak 7
He was probably hatching his plan for awhile...
TourettesGuyFTW 26
You guys CRACK me up!
hugozac88 22
Like a boss
Jemm_fml 29
Well, do you?
perdix 31
That's an eggs-cellent yolk!
Jemm_fml 29
The puns on this FML are becoming a bit eggcessive.
perdix 31
#17, yes, but they're eggs-tremely popular with all but the most hard-boiled readers who recognize the yolks are not original, but poached.
cathyfang1533 12
The yolks may have been poached, but I think we could all Benedict from it. Omelet you decide.